Ask Rachel Alucard
by jcarreau
Summary: Poor Rachel Alucard has become bored yet again. Nothing she does ever seems to end the dreariness of her existence . . . until she got the idea to start and maintain a Q&A blog!
1. Chapter 1

Please note that the following series is what you mortals call, "non-canon." Much like that abominable "Teach me, Ms. Litchi!" miniseries, this series has no bearing whatsoever on the actual Blaz Blue continuity. With that said, let us get started.

* * *

I require no introduction. If you're reading this, then you already know who I am, who my servants are, and what my role in the grand scheme of things is. Surely, you must be curious as to how I'm speaking to you right now. As much as I am loathe to admit, I do become bored very easily. To alleviate my most recent bout of boredom, I sent Nago out to obtain something from the outside world to keep my mind occupied. He found a device he called, "An internet enabled laptop PC with Windows 7!" Upon hearing the phrase, "Windows 7," I promptly chastised Nago for retrieving a woefully antiquated piece of technology. (He had to spend an entire hour standing on his head. Without falling down. It was truly an entertaining sight.) However, I came to realize that I could communicate to the outside world using this computer. The only catch was, since it was operating on technology from the early 21st century, chances are only people from that era will be able to read whatever I send into the World Wide Web.

Of course, I would _never_ sully my hands by interacting with such an infernal contraption. All of my words are dictated onto my servants to type up. Valkenhayn is surprisingly efficient with this computer, however, his method of typing is nowhere near as amusing as Gii's. Since Gii lacks hands, he has to perform every keystroke by poking his nose onto which key he must type next. I must confess, the first time I saw him typing like this, I broke out into an unladylike fit of hysterical laughter. Normally, I would pity myself for getting so emotional over anything, but then again, laughter is said to be the best medicine, and I _did_ ask to be rid of my boredom, emotional outburst or not.

Now then, I could indulge you with anecdotes of my life here on this webspace. However, I came to realize that mortals, like vampires, tend to get bored rather easily, and considering how many stretches of boredom I've had throughout my life, I decided, maybe it would be best if I didn't spend an entire entry telling you about myself. Instead, I want you, dear reader, to ask me a question, and I shall endeavor to answer it to the best of my ability.

But before I go on, please keep in mind that even if you send me a question, I can choose not to reply to it. If you want to increase the likelihood of me acknowledging your existence, as well as replying to your questions, then maintain good spelling and grammar, and ask something thought provoking. And be sure to begin your message with, "Dear Rachel," or something along those lines.

And do be aware that my writings will contain so-called, "Spoilers" for Blaz Blue. Speaking as someone who is an audience member to the theatrical performance that is life, I know all too well how much a spoiler can ruin my pleasure in the performance. If you wish to remain in the dark concerning the Blaz Blue continuity, please refrain from reading this any further.

I suppose this is an adequate enough introductory post. I shall retire to my bedroom for the time being, unwinding with some black tea, and maybe some of the writings of Dostoyevsky. When I receive my first question, I shall return posthaste.

[Author's Note: Welcome to the introduction of Ask Rachel Alucard! This is just something I made up for the fun of it. However, you the readers get to participate! (Assuming you have a account) Just drop me a PM, and ask something that you would ask Rachel about. It can be about anything, just make sure the question is legible and can potentially provide an interesting answer.

Oh, also, you should already know this, but since this may be my only Author's Note in this entire series, I should tell you now:_ Rachel's opinions do not represent my own. _She is a fictional character, not me in disguise. I mean, I love "Teach Me, Ms. Litchi!" for example.]


	2. Chapter 2

Boredom is such a terrible state of mind. To suffer long-term tedium is to feel as though hours have turned into days, days have turned into weeks, weeks have turned into fortnights. It is, without a doubt, the greatest price I pay for my lot in life. It was with great joy, then, when Valkenhayn reported that someone actually sent a message to the blog I started, filled with three questions directed at me. Without any further hesitation, let us start with the first question:

"Dear Rachel: Is Nago gay?"

I presume by gay, you mean homosexual, correct? I'm rather curious as to why you would inquire about such a thing. However, it is not in my place to question what you ask; I was the one who invited questions after all, and it would be rude of me to ignore them.

In any case, regarding your question, I asked Nago about it. (And by asked, I mean I tortured the answer out of him.) All I got out of him was, "I don't limit myself to one orientation, if you catch my drift." I hope that answers your question, but do keep in mind, he could be lying or exaggerating his answer.

Now then, next question.

"Do vampires sparkle?"

What a ridiculous thing to ask! No, vampires do not sparkle! That would be most absurd. This must be another fabrication you mortals dreamed up about my brethren, I take it?

Wait, vampires sparkling . . . where have I heard that before? Oh yes, this antiquated machine you call a laptop was made in the early 21st century, during the era that particular myth originated. Whoever sent these questions must be from that time. In which case, if you don't already know, there's a series of fictional novels from that time that posits that the reason vampires don't go into the sunlight is not because it kills them, (another fabrication about my brethren; sunlight has yet to kill me) but rather, their complexion sparkles in the sunlight, giving away their true nature, and if my information is correct, this facet is actually the _least_ ridiculous aspect of the aforementioned novel series. (Blast, I can't remember what it was called . . . did it have something to do with the night?)

Well I can assure all of you that the myth of vampires sparkling in the sunlight is about as true as the "facts" that we loathe garlic, have to be invited into homes, lack souls, can undergo "Re-ensoulment," and that vampires consist of a number of races as opposed to just one. In the end, it's just another silly fabrication you mortals invented in order to "romanticize" my kind. I would appreciate it if you stopped doing that; I can't even begin to imagine how gaudy I would look if my skin _did_ sparkle.

Now then, the last question:

"Why is there so much . . . RachelxNoel art on the official BlazBlue site?"

Well luckily for you, this blog is non-canon, so I can safely break the fourth wall, as it were, to answer your last question. RachelxNoel art . . . as in images that somehow promote the idea of me being in a romantic relationship with Noel Vermillion? Well that's preposterous; not only do I lack any and all sexual desires, but Noel is hardly an ideal companion; the poor child can barely string together coherent-sounding sentences, and has the emotional maturity of a ten-year-old girl. If she's the best that the NOL can recruit, then I weep for the future of the human race.

But I have yet to see these works of art myself, and I think I should be able to access the website from this contraption, so I will do that now . . . hmm, all this text is in Japanese, I can understand it, it's just . . .

**MY WORD!**

I . . . I . . . Excuse me for one moment.

"OW! OWWWWW! WHY ARE YOU HURTING ME, PRINCESS! I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THOSE PICTURES! OWWWWWWW!"

The nerve of these people! I would never expose myself in such a manner, ever! Do these people take me to be a harlotǃ? I don't even care about the fact that my likeness is used with Noel anymore. What infuriates me are these images; these filthy, puerile, vulgar, degenerate, base, lewd, and utterly disgusting images!

I have spent _far_ too much time and effort into cultivating an image of pristine elegance and dignity, only to have it defiled by the very company responsible for the game series I star in. I know now what must be done. I must exact harsh retribution on those responsible for this slander on my character. I'd like to see the marketers get away with this in the future after I've demonstrated my Baden-Baden Lily ability on them, and when I am finished with that, I will bask in the sunlight, just to prove once and for all that sunlight has no special effect on vampires.

Nago, Gii, and George XIII are preparing for my latest excursion. Before I take my leave, just remember, I will answer whatever questions you may ask. Until next time readers, I bid you adieu.

[Special thanks to Sieg-sama for sending the questions that appeared in today's entry. Keep the questions coming!]


	3. Chapter 3

I'm sure anyone who has followed this blog long enough will notice how utilitarian it is. This is no fault of my own. This aging computer can only log onto one blogging site, one that does not allow for the posting of images, music, et cetera. Basically, I can't post anything other than text here. Believe me, if I could, I would decorate this blog to make it more befitting for a vampire princess, but we'll just have to make due with this for now.

And before I proceed to today's email, do note that I ordered the web browser on this computer to block all images; I do _not_ want a repeat of what happened the last time I looked up pictures. Just the very thought of those base works of 'art' fills my body with an ire best reserved for Terumi, and you_ know_ how much I loathe Terumi. Now then, our first question:

"Dear Rachel,

Do you have any relation with other well known vampires such as Count Dracula,

the various Alucards, Arcueid Brunestud, etc?"

I am going to answer your question, and also not answer your question at the same time. A contradiction in terms, I know. Do I know any other vampires? Unfortunately, I cannot tell you. I forgot to mention this in my introductory post, but you see, I am sworn to secrecy when it comes to revealing information that could be a spoiler for a Blaz Blue game that is not released to the public yet. The possibility of me knowing a vampire other than myself could be a plot point in a future game, so sadly, I cannot answer your question directly.

I am, however, aware of the portrayal of various fictional vampires, like the ones you listed. I am aware of the stories about Dracula. Some are better than others, but I can see why even mortals would take a fascination with the Transylvanian count. And yes, I am aware that his name is my surname spelt backwards, and I am aware that "Alucard" is an alias that Dracula has used in some stories, and that Alucard could be an entirely different character at the same time. One thing does bother me, though; I did find knowledge of a graphic novel series where a vampire is using the Alucard alias. The series itself doesn't seem too bad, as far as human standards go, but the reaction mortals have to it is . . . amusing, to put it slightly. All the messages I can find for this series by its fans seem to sound something like (forgive the rather crude upcoming passage; just know that these words were not originally my own), "Dood! This is teh best anime/manga evarz! Becuz it has blud and bewbs and moar blud and moar bewbs lul!" Oh yes, forego whatever plot and character development may exist, and read only for the acts of gratuitous violence, and for the sexual content. Yes, keep acting in such a predictable manner, my darlings; it serves to remind me of my strong points and my lack of such foolish weaknesses. (No, Nago, I am not inserting a "smilie" after that comment. Yes, I was grinning, but I am above printing such cruel butcheries of syntax.)

But Arcueid Brunestud . . . where have I heard that name before? Oh yes, I now remember; when the first Blaz Blue came out, there were a number of messages that claimed that Blaz blue was somehow similar to . . . whatever Arcueid's franchise was called . . . Tsukihime, Melty Blood, Kagetsu Tohya, I don't know for certain. People were saying things like, "Blaz Blue is basically Melty Blood, but with a mainstream release, and an English voicetrack." I don't know if this is slander, or sincere flattery for us.

But I'm getting off-subject. No, I haven't met Arcueid, because Blaz Blue and . . . I guess Melty Blood would be the right name? Because that would require a crossover between the two of our respective series, but the last thing this blog needs is to become a crossover between Blaz Blue and Melty Blood, regardless of how much you may desire such a thing.

While I can spoil whatever Blaz Blue games are out right now, I cannot spoil any series that is not my own, so I'm afraid I can't give much more input on this Arcueid. I can, however, say this; despite the fact that my images are blocked, I am aware that this Arcueid has, much like me, yellow hair and red eyes. I can assure you that these are common traits for proper vampires. I have also found some text messages from people discussing Arcueid. They all say . . . how much they want to . . . I dare not repeat the rest, for it would be much too crass to repeat here. Why is it that everywhere I go in cyberspace, people are preoccupied with sexual reproduction? Must I filter out text as well? And seriously, why is it that you mortals care about copulating so much in the first place? You would copulate a person, a vampire even, who is not even tangible? There are some things I will never understand.

There is one more question:

"What are other ways that you have relieved your boredom in the past?"

You mean aside from picking fights with whomever I please, forcing Nago and Gii to entertain me, and maintaining this silly blog? Of course I do.

Much like most of you, I enjoy listening to music. My favorite would be most of the music from the Baroque era. (And if you try to claim that Baroque music is just another name for Classical music, I will sic George XIII on you. Or slap you silly. Whichever I'm in the mood for.) And I've also admitted my fondness for the literary works of Fyodor Dostoevsky in the first post.

There's really only one other thing I can do to pass the time; leave the mansion and tour Kagutsuchi. When I do this, I observe the people around me. I observe their ugly clothes, their unmannered behavior, their pitiable taste in music, and their complete and utter disregard for any civil standard of decency. Doing this reminds me that no matter what problems I may encounter in my life, I'm still better off than these simpletons.

That's all the time I have for now. Talking about Kagutsuchi has inspired me to travel there once again. I hope it will prove a fruitful exercise. Until then, I bid you farewell.

[Special thanks to animefanrk2k for today's submission.]


	4. Chapter 4

I should mention now before I neglect it any longer; it is always possible that there may be typos on this blog. Since I don't actually type up these passages, I cannot guarantee how well-written they are. If you should chance by a misspelling, a missing comma, a grammatical error, a missing word, or any other fallacy, just know, no one is perfect, not even a princess, which is unfortunate, really. All of us, deep down, desire perfection. Whether we are mortal, vampire, cyborg, or . . . _catgirl_, we don't want to be imperfect, even though such a thing is impossible. Such is the harsh nature that is life.

But enough of my rambling; I must answer a question, or rather, several questions. Most of my questions have actually been about one subject and one subject alone. It appears I cannot avoid it any longer. However, the only question I will quote will be the one that is worded in the most interesting manner.

"Dear Rachel...what is your Social Link Level with Ragna the Bloodedge?" (Cypher0120)

Social Link Level? You must be confused; I'm from a fighting game series, not a dating simulation. And also, a thing as complex as relationships cannot be measured by levels, not in the real world anyhow.

But yes, dear readers, this is what I have been asked more than anything else, "Do you like Ragna?" "Are you secretly his biggest fangirl?" "Are you crushing on Ragna, and if so, how much?" I should've seen this coming, especially since anyone with an able internet connection can communicate with me. Sooner or later, I knew I was going to deal with the one subject humans are most passionate about; love. But not just love between two people; even love between two video game sprites is a subject of upmost fascination. It truly is as Emerson once said, "All mankind love a lover."

But now to answer: do I like Ragna? This is the best way I can phrase it; I do not despise him. Sure, he is vulgar, and quick to violence, and is more than willing to insult the people around him, myself included, and on top of that, his attire is positively dreadful, but I do not hate him. Coming from me, that is quite the compliment, I assure you. He is willing to fight for what he knows is right, even if he must lose his humanity in doing so.

But I know he is also the only person I have ever extracted blood from, and he has inherited some useful powers thanks to me. Some people have interpreted this as an act of love on my part. Is it? Relationships are an ever-changing thing, a variable that is never constant. Perhaps in a later game, I will fall in love with him, or perhaps I will lose my respect for him, or maybe I will adore him in one game, and despise him in the next. As for right now? Let's just say I don't hate him.

Let's move on to the next question. This one is from a different sender.

"What are your thoughts of the people you seem to always meet during your travels, such as Ragna, Jin, et cetera?" (Wraith the Destroyer)

I've gotten a few questions about the people of Blaz Blue as well. I've already mentioned Ragna, and I shan't need to remind you of Terumi, but since I'm here, I will tell you what I think of the characters of the Blaz Blue universe. For now, I will only cover the playable characters from the first game.

Jin Kisaragi: The apple does not fall far from the tree after all, for Jin, like his brother Ragna, also is rough, vulgar, and quick to violence. Unlike Ragna, however, Jin has no positive traits. All he seems to care about is killing Ragna, obsessing over Noel, and basically making a nuisance to everyone else he encounters. Even when he isn't under Terumi's influence, he is a plight, and yet, the so-called "fangirls" flock to him, for reasons beyond any logical understanding. He is a good example of everything that is wrong with the NOL, and I quite enjoy taking him down a peg every chance I get.

Noel Vermillion: As I've said before, she's a child who can barely speak coherently and behaves in a very girlish manner. (I believe there's a Japanese word that sums her up perfectly, "moe.") Of course, this is only when she's trying to pass herself off as the human she was modeled after. When her Nox Nyctores (namely, her firearms) are drawn, or if she's in the presence of Nu v-13, her childish façade drops, and she becomes a veritable killing machine. This is to be expected, considering that she is a robotic duplicate of Saya, Ragna and Jin's long-lost sister. She does have her uses, so I make sure not to hurt her _too_ much.

Litchi Faye-Ling: Even though her body is one that mystifies me, (how does someone with such an improbable appearance attract so many men? And how is her back not in such abominable pain, either?) Litchi is . . . someone I hate more than Gii, (despite my impatience with the bat familiar, he at least has his uses) but someone I hate less than, say, Jin. She's very unselfish for a mortal, and having lived for as long as I have, I can tell you that unselfish mortals like her are very rare, very rare indeed. What I don't get, however, is her obsession to capture Noel and . . . how does she word it? Force her to "cosplay"? Please don't tell me that that's some kinky fetish. Actually, I think I should move on before Nago sees what I have printed. (Well, okay, technically what Valkenhayn has printed, since I prefer to dictate my instructions.)

Arakune: A disgusting beast if ever I saw one. Litchi seems to have some connection with him, but I'd rather not say anymore. I only hope next time I encounter him . . . it . . . whatever you may call Arakune, that it does not sends more insects after me. If there's one thing I will forever despise, it's insects.

Bang Shishigami: Just having his name printed makes me wretch; this beast-for-a-man is someone I cannot stand. Some people have come to admire him, for he . . . how do they say it? Bang reminds people of the heroes from Saturday morning cartoons. That's right; Bang is a living breathing cartoony caricature of a hero; perhaps that's why I have no respect for him, for I have never been able to watch any Saturday morning cartoon for longer than five seconds without rolling my eyes in absolute disgust. Even still, he's less of a nuisance than some _other_ people I have encountered, but that doesn't mean I have to tolerate him at the same time.

Carl Clover: A rather mature person for who is essentially a child. He's very courteous and well-mannered, but I still can't quite understand why he would address the puppet he always has with his as his "sister." Other than that, I don't really know much about him, other than his "sister" hasn't taken much of a liking to me, although if you ask me, I think he's just projecting his personality onto that doll of his. Whether I'm right or wrong, at least he's not like the next person on the list.

Taokaka: Despite her humanoid features, she's not a human; she's a cat. A cat that thinks of nothing except eating and sleeping, and unfortunately, unlike most cats, she talks. So you can imagine how insufferable she is to me, especially if I am going on one of my tours of Kagutsuchi. There's only one trait of hers I like; her voracious appetite for meat buns. If I or my servants have any on hand, we can distract her with it. And to think, she's a clone of Jubei, of all people . . .

Iron Tager: I don't know much about Tager, but I must admit, I find it amusing that a cyborg built for hand-to-hand combat can be so soft-spoken at the same time. I've seen him hold very interesting conversations with his handler over his communicator. However, I've heard rumors of a "Golden Tager." I do not know what this "Golden Tager" is, but somehow, I feel uneasy thinking about it.

Hakumen: He is Jin, only substitute the insanity and violent disposition with an obsessive drive for justice. No, really, he _is_ Jin Kisaragi, but from a different plane of existence. I will say right now that while Hakumen is far more manageable than Jin, that doesn't mean he's free of issues, either. When I say he is obsessed with justice, I am not exaggerating in the slightest; he will oppose _anyone_ in the name of justice, be it me or Ragna or even Taokaka if given the opportunity. Still, when it comes to the lesser of two evils, Hakumen is the lesser evil, here. (Of course, you could also say that Hakumen is the personal result of having been insulted by Jin one too many times, but that's strictly off the record.)

Nu v. 13: She is one of the androids modeled after Saya, and is the one responsible for the timeloop. What separates her from the other androids is that her love for Ragna has transcended brotherly-sisterly love, and has now become akin to a child's first romantic crush. It is extremely jarring to hear her speak in a mechanical monotone one moment, then to suddenly see her address Ragna by throwing her hands on her cheeks like a teenage girl and shouting "OH NO! NOT RAGNA!" in a shrill voice of affection. Since she's responsible for the timeloop, it is safe to say that I hate her, but truth be told, I would hate her simply because of that schizophrenic split in her personality. I still can't fathom it; a machine designed to kill anything it crosses, only to gush like a lovesick child when her love interest appears . . . which she then promptly kills. Saya must be rolling in her grave right now.

And so, I've addressed not one, but two questions. I am quite mentally exhausted now. I am due for my beauty sleep. Good day, readers.

* * *

"So, uh, you said you found some tv series from the early 21st century that features a vampire princess that looks just like _our_ vampire princess?"

"Indubitably, but don't let _her_ know."

"Why not?"

"See for yourself."

" . . . Oh gosh! She's uh, she's, um, thank goodness they're censoring it!"

"A Japanese animation that features a Rachel look-a-like who's not afraid to express her sexuality . . . Praise be to the heavens that the princess hasn't figured out how to block videos on this thing yet, because I am finding this program to be utterly _delicious!_"


	5. Chapter 5

Today was a day of great embarrassment, embarrassment directed at me, of all people. You see, I don't always wear my hair in pigtails; I like to try different hairstyles from time to time. This morning, I had my hair cleansed with the finest of shampoos, and I had my locks held in a ponytail, a single black ribbon holding my rather long hair in a single ponytail; I was quite satisfied with the look, for it had been ages since the last time I wore a ponytail.

Satisfied with my new look, I went touring in Kagutsuchi once more, to hopefully get some exercise and maybe condescend to some people as well. Sure enough, I encounter Ragna. He notices the new hairstyle immediately; he says, "Hey Rabbit, what the hell happened to one of your ears?" I was reminded of how my ribbons look like rabbit ears when I'm wearing pigtails. I told him about how I wanted to try a new look. You know what his reaction was? He got this smug look on his face all of a sudden, and said something mortifying, "Oh really? You know who else has a ponytail in town? That dumbass ninja who won't shut up about honor."

I had turned pale from hearing this. _I had the same kind of hair as . . . that man._ I was speechless. In one fell swoop, Ragna had bested me in a battle of wits, for he compared me to Bang, _correctly_ compared me to Bang. I was so frightened, I couldn't decide what to do. Ragna then said, "What's the matter? Can't handle the truth, Rabbit?"

After thinking it through, I decided on a course of action. First, I blasted Ragna with a volley of Tiny Lobelias, as to distract him, and also to shut his mouth. Then, I teleported back to the mansion. There, I immediately ordered my hair to be shampooed with the finest of shampoos, and had my hair fashioned into pigtails once more. Now I cannot be compared to that simpleton from Ikaruga once more, and good riddance, too.

Now before we get to the questions, I have turned on the images on my laptop once again. However, I also made sure to turn on the so-called, "Moderate Safe Search" function, so as to avoid improper images. Now for our questions:

"Dear Lady Rachel, I'm unsure if you know of her, but do you think you're at all similar to Evangeline A.K. McDowell? She's a vampire as well. Also, forgive me for being rude, but how old are you exactly? Your young features can be deceiving, considering your background." (Osaka-chaness)"

Evangeline A.K. McDowell? I can't say I do. I'm performing research on this individual right now . . . prepubescent body, long blonde hair, is much older than she appears, comes from an aristocratic background, is much more powerful than she appears, and while she may not wear clothes quite as fashionable as my own, she carries with her that air of confidence vampire nobles do. It would seem that whoever wrote this "Mahou Sensei Negima" seems quite knowledgeable about vampires. Of course, there are some differences between us; for one, I do _not_ enjoy drinking blood, and also, if my research is to be believed (and I must thank the moderate safe search for blocking this image, though my own mental image won't fade away) I would never play a video game whilst eating potato chips _and_ in the nude. Such . . . _actions_, are beneath me. But otherwise, I could certainly see some similarities between us, yes.

And as for my age? Well, don't you know it's improper to ask for a lady's age? I'll just say this: I'm older than any normal living creature. Now then, the next question is a little lengthy, and I was considering cutting it down for length, but I think it would be best to display the message in its entirety.

"Dear Rachel. (I can't believe I'm doing this...)

Do you consider yourself a perfect being? I mean...during my lifetime I have seen many people claiming to be the best of the best in their...respective areas. But I find that, in reality, it's not more than an illusion, a facade, if you get what I mean. Yes, I know another vampire like yourself, but she's...kind of childish and her pride is one of her worst traits (I hope Remilia isn't reading this...). As a refined vampire as you are, I ask you yet again, do you consider yourself perfect?

Also, you remind me of someone else. Maybe is because you...how I say, manipulate those around you like mere toys to satisfy your whims? You're kinda like that hag Yukari which I loathe to the core of my own self. But hey, I'm trying to have an intellectual conversation with your...graced self.

I hope you can answer my question. I know it goes beyond the standards of a normal question, but I'm asking politely. Please.

Sincerely,  
Raim Hanta.

(God kill me if Remilia or the hag finds out about this...)"

Didn't I already answer this question the last time I wrote in this blog? Valkenhayn, go back and reread the answer I had posted.

"As you wish, Madam Rachel. 'No one is perfect, not even a princess, which is unfortunate, really. All of us, deep down, desire perfection. Whether we are mortal, vampire, cyborg, or . . . _catgirl_, we don't want to be imperfect, even though such a thing is impossible. Such is the harsh nature that is life.' I couldn't have phrased it better myself, Madam Rachel."

As you can see, I have already answered your question. Was I being too subtle last time, or do you have short-term memory? In either case, allow me to reiterate; No, I am not a perfect being. No one is. Sure, I consider myself superior to a great many other people, but I never claimed to be perfect.

But what really piques my curiosity is the mention of this "Remilia" who you say is another vampire. Using my research, it would seem you know someone named Remilia Scarlet, who . . . seems to be a character from a series of computer games from the early 21st century. According to the background information, she is a vampire noble herself, with a younger sister even, yet despite her attempts at refinement, she is rather childish in behavior. I must ask, if she's been alive for over half-a-millennium, if this research is correct, why would she still be behaving like all the mortal children she physically resembles?

But what I want to know is why do you speak of Remilia like you personally know her? She's a fictional character; there's no way you could interact with her. As for the other person you mentioned, I want to know why you refer to this Yukari (who is also from the same series as Remilia, apparently) as a "hag." To be honest, I find her rather pretty. Then again, she is a youkai (a Japanese spirit of sorts if you don't know the terminology) and supposedly, human-like youkai are apparently beautiful. Going on this research, I can see why you would compare us; both Yukari Yakumo and I are fond of manipulating those around us. I know full well that brute force alone will not win battles; it is shrewdness more than anything else. However, while I have reasons for controlling those around me, this Yukari apparently doesn't. If I may make a literary comparison, she is like a youkai version of Daisy Miller; very pretty and refined in her movements, yet behaves with a complete disregard of others around her; only interested in acting out on her whims in a most impulsive manner. At least I am not impulsive in my behavior, so I can understand why you loathe her to the core, as you say. Still, hasn't anyone ever told you that they're just characters from a game? Please don't tell me that you suffer delusions of interacting with video game characters. (And yes, I am perfectly aware of the irony of what I'm doing by answering your questions. At least I admit it.)

Well that's all the time I have here today. No doubt Gii will make an asinine comment about these questions by saying, "It's raining vampires princesses everywhere, princess!" There's no doubt that the public was fascinated with vampires in the early 21st century. Well then, I shall retire for the evening, and I will return when I feel like responding.

[Author's Note: I didn't think I'd do another one of these, but I gotta point out something: the letter by "Raim Hanta" was actually written in character by Heraklinios, who you could say is a fellow Touhou fanfic author. Yes, I am aware of the bizarre coincidence that we're both writing Touhou fanfics, however, don't expect a Touhou/Blaz Blue crossover from me anytime soon. Besides, I don't normally like crossovers anyways. I have another chapter of Ask Rachel Alucard in the works, so I'm gonna be working on that now.]


	6. Chapter 6

People are always so quick to jump to conclusions. Everyone I meet gets the wrong impression about me. I would know, for it happened again.

After I finished my last entry, I went for another tour of Kagutsuchi. I ended up in the Chinese district, when I was confronted by the doctor woman who works there, Litchi Faye-Ling, the so-called "Boobie Lady" herself. (I feel dirty quoting the catgirl as such.) The timeloop had started over from the last time I encountered her, so she wouldn't remember me, but I still remembered her. Well anyways, she starts talking to me; starts talking to me, as if I were a lost mortal child. It was most aggravating. She has no idea how much older I am than her, and yet, she dared talked to me as if I were no older than a ten year old! Just because my body is similar to that of a prepubescent girl doesn't mean I have a childish intellect! About the only thing she said that didn't offend me was that my clothes were really pretty.

Aside from her compliment, I had decided that I have had enough of her presumptuous condescending, so I launched an attack. I won, of course. I told her, "Mind your place, child. I am no lost girl." However, I couldn't stick around for long, for I knew assaulting the doctor in the Chinese district would surely draw the attention of that . . . barbaric, pigheaded simpleton from the Ikaruga clan, so I left. An audience member should not interfere too much, after all. Shortly after that, the timeloop reset itself, and I was absolved of attacking the doctor. Guilt would surely affect some people for doing what I did; even I may've succumbed to guilt had it not been for this repeating timeloop. It is both a gift and a curse. Now onto our first response:

"Dear Rachel Alucard,  
I am writing but not before giving my most cordial greetings to you. I had some questions loitering in my mind and it would be an honour if you had the time to get rid of my doubts. Without any further rambling let us proceed:

-Can you reveal who your father is? What about any other relatives? Any kind of information you give will be appreciated  
-Where exactly is your castle located? and who else lives with you apart from Valkenhayn, Nago, Gii and George the XIII? To my knowledge that place receives the name "Halloween" but I'm not quite sure about it  
-What is your favourite weather? Do you like it when it rains or prefer to take walks under the sunlight?

I better stop now; it is not my intention to tire you out with my bombardment of questions, though it would be nice of you to shed some light upon those who are willing to know more about you. Nevertheless you are not obligated to answer fully or at all. I must add I would jump out of joy if you consider my questions and in case you didn't know I am, what you would consider, a follower of yours. With nothing more to add I shall take my leave.(HeartfulPeach)"

I've actually received variations of your first question: Who is my father? Is he a vampire, or a mortal? Who are my other blood (no pun intended, stop giggling like a buffoon, Gii) relatives? Sadly, I cannot answer that at this time. That is something that could be a potential spoiler for a future Blaz Blue game. I know many of you are curious to know, and I would love to answer that question myself. Alas, I cannot at this point in time.

As for your second question, I can only say that my castle is located in a dimension different from your own. As for the name, "Halloween?" Isn't it funny how developers of fighting games spend so much effort into drawing the graphics, animating the characters, refining the audio, test playing for glitches, adjusting the programming codes, and other assorted tasks, yet never seem to put much effort into naming the arenas they so painstakingly crafted? Honestly, they shouldn't be so neglectful of such details. Don't they realize that millions of people may be playing their game? If only people starting holding each other up to higher standards, we may not have this problem.

As for your third question, I do have a favorite weather. It is not rain, since that ruins my clothes, and it is not sunlight, since the sun can be blinding and it is hard to condescend to rabble with a bright light in your eye. My preferred weather is an overcast: no precipitation, little-to-no wind, and a light gray sky devoid of sunlight. That is the weather I prefer. (And I'll remind you that favoring overcasts has nothing to do with being a vampire; as I've said before, sunlight doesn't harm vampires.)

But there's something disturbing about your response; you say that you are a follower of me? You wouldn't perchance be apart of some cult, would you? I suppose I should be flattered that you seem to adore me that much, but please don't take it overboard, whatever you do. I have another question that I will answer now:

"Dear Rachel,

Why are you so picky about your tea? Tea is tea, right? Even if some is more fancy than others, that shouldn't make a difference. (Kaori the Mystery)"

Are you questioning why I am so frugal when it comes to my choices in tea? Well let me ask you something; by reading this, I would presume that you're a connoisseur of video games, correct? Do you go into a store that sells video games and think to yourself, "Hmm, I'm not very discriminating in my taste of video games; after all, they're all the same! I think I'll waste my paycheck on whatever random game I feel like, regardless of its actual quality!" Do you see now how foolish this attitude is?

Variety may be the spice of life, but that doesn't mean all spices will taste good. The same can be said for tea. There are a myriad number of teas in the world, but only a select few are worthy of my personal palette. I'm going to consume the teas I enjoy the most, because life is too short for bad teas. Now I know that someone is going to point out that vampires can theoretically live forever; therefore, why should I care if I drink bad tea or not? Well you wouldn't do something if it made you feel bad, right? Drinking unsatisfactory tea makes me feel bad. That is why I am so particular with my teas.

Before I take my leave, I will issue another disclaimer: any message you send to me is subject to quality control. When I present it, it may have content edited out, and it may have corrections to the syntax as well. I just thought I would make that clear before I leave. If you want me to answer a question, you know where to send it. Until we meet again.


	7. Chapter 7

I have spent more of my spare time perusing the world wide web on this antique computer. In doing so, I found places where people were talking about me. One such website was a place called "Fighter's Generation," a resource for fighting games. They have written reviews for fighting games, as well as reviews for the characters from fighting games. This website's review of the first Blaz Blue was fairly positive, but what was really surprising was this website's review of me as a character. I received the highest rating possible; the reviewer loved my visual design, as well as my abilities as a fighter, and my importance in the game's storyline. I checked reviews for other characters on this site, but most of them don't have perfect ratings all across the board like I do. I must say, this, combined with some of the letters I've received are almost, dare I say_, touching._ To think that so many people would find me endearing, it makes me feel . . . what's the word? Loved? But while I appreciate the adoration, there are also those who like me . . . _for all of the wrong reasons._ I found other websites, which I refuse to identify by name, which also contained adoring fans, but their reasons for liking me . . . it sickens me. When asked why these fans adored me, they responded with reasons like, "Rachel Alucard is hawt, lol." Or "Aksys finally answered my fantasy of fighting as a goth-loli vampire!" or "I think she's really cute." Okay, first of all, yes, it is true that I possess many traits that you would find in a character from a work of gothic literature, and yes, I am much older than I appear to be, however, what I am not, is a person of sexual desire. As I've said before, I have no interest in sexual desires, so I do not dress nor behave like someone who would. Do you ever see me exposing my body, speaking suggestively, or doing anything to seduce somebody? Of course not. Also, I am not trying to be cute either. Unlike some of you, when I think of cuteness, I think of dolls, children's toys, and robotic duplicates of little girls that can't fight without their Nox Nyctores; in other words, weak, pathetic, ineffectual things that accomplish nothing but drawing superficial adoration from onlookers. Why would you look up to me as someone "cute?" The series already has the Kaka clan and the aforementioned duplicates of Saya to cater to your cuteness quota; why would you need me as well? And please don't tell me, "But, your denial of your cuteness and/or sexiness only makes you cuter and/or sexier!" If I get any such response, I will honestly lose all composure. Now, our question for today:

"Dear Lady Rachel:  
Do you know any witches such as Beatrice, Bernkanstel, Lambdadelta, or Virgilia? It would help to know if you have any info.

Also, this is my opinion, but aren't you a bit too N-E-G-A-T-I-V-Eǃ? Do you need help rearranging that mood, because I can go to your time and help . . . oh and don't try to resist, it makes this even more painful, teehee!  
Sincerely, Discordia"

'Don't try to resist'? Are you threatening me? Even if you can access my dimension, don't even think of trying to do something to me by force; I have the power of Tsukuyomi on my side. Dash whatever violent thoughts you have right now before you regret it. ("Princess is scary when you threaten her!"-addendum by Gii.)

As for your first question, I don't know any witches, (Just who on earth are those people you listed?) although I am aware that witches, like vampires, come in a great many different interpretations. We are all aware of the archetype of the evil witch: ugly appearance, cackling voice, master of black magic, seems to live only to cause acts of evil. And yet, there are other common portrayals of witches as well. Some works of literature portray witches as being benevolent, kind, even beautiful. Others show witches that are little girls who are "cute" and everything that entails with that. In fact, the game series I referenced a few entries ago, Touhou Project, features a character that is a witch. However, there is one thing I am curious about; why the pointy hats? Why do witches find pointy hats so fashionable? It only serves to make them look less presentable and more ridiculous. Well, it just serves to remind me that, no matter how long I may live, there are some things that I will never understand.

As for the second part of your response, me negative? I'll admit that most of my dialog in the first Blaz Blue is of a rather cynical bent, but I honestly thought that I was being kinder here than I was in the actual Blaz Blue canon. Of course, that could be a side effect of the fact that this communication is done without me seeing what you look like, not being able to speak to you face-to-face, and also, there's the fact that all of you use silly aliases whereas you know who I truly am. Still, I am aware that I am not the most generous of individuals, and many people, even my biggest fans, describe me as being, "A completely stuck-up bitch!" Keep in mind, I have been raised in aristocracy since I was born. Coming from such a background ensues that I will inevitably look down upon people who didn't have the pleasure of being raised on the same standards of living that I was. Allow me to explain in a way mortals from the early 21st century would understand; if you were like me, you would like things that nobody else does nor appreciates; instead of Vivaldi, the people around you listen to Slipknot. Instead of Chaucer, the people around you read . . . _that book series_ that claims that vampires sparkle. (I recently remembered the name of it, but I refuse to dignify it by name.) Instead of Darjeeling tea, the people around you drink Fanta soft drinks. And to top it all off, most people don't think before they speak, which is not how true vampire nobles are brought up. For instance, the only time I have ever printed a curse word on this blog was whenever I was quoting someone else; I _never_ use curse words in my dialog. These factors, combined with the fact that so few people, especially in my time, have such a privileged upbringing, and you will understand why it is that I become so easily irritated. I suppose in laymen terms, I would be labeled a "spoiled brat." I may be "spoiled," but I am most certainly not a brat; I have yet to stoop down to the level of that Remilia girl from Touhou Project. But yes, if any of you are bothered by my apparent "bitchiness," just know, it comes from being isolated from most of society. True, living secluded in my own dimension has its advantages, but there are drawbacks as well. No one is truly perfect, remember?

Now then, before I retire, I have made yet another observation of a vampire princess. I found in the history tab of this web browser a link to a broadcast of an ancient (in my time that is; in your time, I would imagine it's still new) television series entitled, "Dance in the Vampire Bund." It is a work of animation from Japan that ran for twelve episodes, but I looked up this series, and I found out why someone in my mansion was watching it; it turns out Nago was watching this show because its main protagonist looks _exactly_ like me. She has the body of a child, long blonde hair in pigtails held together by ribbons that look like rabbit ears, red eyes, light skin, and nice attire, and her name is Mina Ţepeş. How original; model a vampire noble after me, give her a common Anglo-Saxon name for her first name, and a variation of one of the many aliases of Dracula for her last. I was about to notify Aksys about this blatant copyright infringement until I figured out why Nago was watching this; Miss Mina is unafraid to go about with her clothes off. Not only is this behavior _entirely_ unbecoming of a true vampire princess such as myself, and not only have I become fed up with the continued sexual exploitation of vampires, the implications of the fact that Nago enjoyed seeing . . . someone that looks like me showing off like that, well, I've always known that Nago was very frisky for a cat familiar, but even he should know his boundaries. Wait, I just learned that Dance in the Vampire Bund was originally a graphic novel series that originated in 2006; the first Blaz Blue came out in 2008. I . . . am going to retreat for the time being, and hopefully find a way to prove that I'm not ripping off a vampire noble that has no sense of decency. Good day.


	8. Chapter 8

There is something about the website that I host this blog that I need to address; my entries are not coming out exactly as I have instructed. Maybe it's because I'm being hosted on a free website, but I have become rather dismayed with how some of my entries have turned out. For instance, I have dictated a number of asterisks to appear whenever my texts must jump from perspective to perspective. For reasons unbeknownst to me, these asterisks never appeared in my uploaded texts. It was only through trial and error did I (or rather, Valkenhayn) discover that this website only accepts the following symbol for a scene change.

* * *

Why was I not informed of this beforehand? It would have saved me and my readers needless confusion and frustration. At the very least, we were able to go back and insert these horizontal rulers where they belong, so thankfully, this problem now only exists in the past.

However, if that was the end of it, I would not still be infuriated at this very moment, but there is another problem; one that still affects my texts. There were times when I dictated a sentence to end with a question mark _and_ an exclamation point, an exclamatory question if you will. There were occasions that I felt this to be the most proper way to conclude a sentence. I don't know why, but this website does not display more than one punctuation mark per sentence. Maybe it's to prevent amateur writers from ending overdramatic proclamations with fifty or so exclamation points, but this is simply infuriating for me. For instance, when I discovered the, the images of me on the Blaz Blue website, one of my reactions should have appeared as so:

"Do these people take me to be a harlot[exclamation point][question mark]"

And the worst of it is I have yet to find a way to circumvent this anomaly in my blog. And before any of you ask, I considered the use of the interrobang, but neither I nor my servants can find the interrobang symbol on this computer's keyboard; this computer must have been made before the use of the interrobang was commonplace. What a pity. Just ranting about all of this is leaving me winded, and as such, today's question and response will be rather short:

"Dear Lady Rachel

Do you know a magical girl named Fate Testarossa? She looks so much like you, and would you mind sharing the story of how you met Gii, Nago, George XIII and Valkenhayn? (any of them will be appreciated too)" (XDarkZeroX)

It should come to no surprise that since I am a creation of Japanese popular culture, that many of the submissions I receive will pertain to the subject of Japanese popular culture. This one is no exception; of course I don't know Fate Testarossa in person, obviously not, but the image search has confirmed that, yes, she does bear a resemblance to me.

While she may not be a vampire, the resemblance is almost uncanny; I guess it must be some new trend. Are girls with long blonde pigtails, red eyes, and childish bodies what's "hot" right now? Oh look, she doesn't always look like a child; in one season of the series she's from, she has the body of a young adult. I should give the staff credit for not appealing only to the "lolicon" crowd for this one. As for how I met my servants? That's a potential spoiler, and thus, I can't answer it. I would like to, but you see, contracts are a very binding force. Not even I am above breaking a contract, sad as that may be, and since revealing a potential spoiler is against the contract, I cannot comment any further.

And now I have something to tell you; I am taking a temporary leave of absence from this blog. You see, Blaz Blue: Continuum Shift is about to be released on home consoles in your time period. I want you all to play and enjoy this latest entry of my game series before I write again. Once I do come back, all spoilers for this new game will be known, and will be properly incorporated into Ask Rachel Alucard. I also hope that you will come up with better questions to ask me because of that. Of course, don't think that I will abandon this blog altogether. By all means, keep sending me questions. If I have a stockade of well thought-out questions, I will be able to continue this blog for quite some time. Until then, enjoy Blaz Blue: Continuum Shift.

[Authors: Note: If you go to my profile page, you can find a link to a blog entry of mine that gives a behind the scenes look of Ask Rachel Alucard from the perspective of me, xm0123. But like Rachel said, I'm not coming back here until I've had a chance to play the new Blaz Blue, so be patient, and keep sending more questions!]


	9. Chapter 9

Now that everyone (and by everyone, I mean those who have nothing better to do than to waste their time playing a fighting game as soon as it is made available to the general public) has had the chance to play Blaz Blue: Continuum Shift, I have decided to return to answer your many questions. I know many of you have been driven mad from my hiatus, much in the same manner mortals feel deprived whenever a television series they love goes off the air. Let us continue from that metaphor; the first eight entries of my blog can be considered, "Season One." Starting today, we are now at "Season Two." Now that this is up, those followers of mine who have driven themselves mad with impatience are now probably reacting like so:

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! NEW ASK RACHEL ALUCAAAAAAAAAAARD! THIS IS GONNA BE AWE-SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!"

To get that soundbyte, I had to tempt Taokaka out with some meat buns, explain to her the concept of hosting a non-canonical blog, and finally coax her into saying that exact dialog into my notebook computer's built-in microphone. It was very troubling for me, yes, but neither I nor any of my servants wanted to lower ourselves by shouting such a rank expression. However, I still find it very hard to believe that players of Blaz Blue games have become so starved for content that they would resort to fanon to satiate their desire for more Blaz Blue. However, that is not in my place as an observer to ponder over.

Now that I have established the fact that I have returned, let us answer our first question:

"Did you find a way to prove that you weren't based off of Mina Ţepeş from 'Dance in the Vampire Bund' yet? And what did Nago have to say about it when you found out?" (A Curious Fan)

Ah yes, I must respond back to that. After performing further research, I have determined that while the character of Mina Ţepeş may look identical to me, there are notable differences between us. Aside from her . . . complete and utter lack of modesty, we do not have identical abilities. There are some things she can do that I can't, while on the other hand, there are some things I can do that she cannot. Sunlight has a different effect on her than it does on me. Also, she is in a romantic relationship with a young werewolf man, whereas I have no interest in such a relationship. She is the main protagonist in her series, while I am a secondary protagonist in my series. (Which is a bit of an unfair comparison; which would you prefer? A series where the star is a vampire noble who's cunning and powerful? Or a series where the star is a man who destroys government buildings and talks down to nearly everyone he encounters?) I could elaborate further, but doing so would spoil the series that Mina is from. Suffice to say, while we in some ways may be the same character archetype, we are not entirely similar either, hence why there doesn't seem to be a copyright infringement lawsuit in the works.

And as for Nago? Well, that is quite an amusing anecdote. For you see, before I was to dictate one of my earlier articles, I ordered Valkenhayn to look through the browser history, and sure enough, there were some listed links that I had not visited, let alone heard of. The only entry I was interested in were links to a video streaming site showing a series I now know to be Dance in the Vampire Bund. I was taken by how uncannily similar the main protagonist resembled me . . . then I saw her naked behind blurred-out spots on the video. Gii would never look up such a thing, and Valkenhayn would never lower himself to such a level, so the suspect was obvious. Nago did not deny it, but I still felt obligated to chastising him. At first, I punished him by hand, but he reacted with, "Oh, your hands are so soft and petite!" Realizing that that tactic was backfiring, I then resorted to something far more torturous for him; I strapped him to a chair with the computer facing him. I ordered a slideshow to be made and played before his eyes. The slideshow consisted of ugly things: poor fan artwork, images of sparkling vampires, the majority of celebrities from the 21st century, and so on and so forth. It nearly broke him. He now realizes just how lucky he truly is. Hopefully, I shall face no insubordination from him in the near future.

And now for one last question today.

"Dear Rachel, I've always wanted to ask this, but what do you think about the ridiculous rumor that vampires have no reflection in a mirror?" (Dragon-Blade-of-Fury)

You want to know what I think of that rumor? Very well. I think it is hogwash; hogwash dreamed up by sensationalist mortals either making my brethren appear "abnormal" or romanticized, or possibly both. The idea that somehow, a mirror would selectively not reflect the image of somebody of a certain race, in this case vampires, is not only ludicrous, but flies against all sound logic as well. It amazes me just how deep the depth of human stupidity truly is. Some people say the universe is vast; others say the world wide web is vast; I say nothing is as truly vast as the vacuous stupidity of mortals who concoct such harebrained beliefs such as the assumption that my brethren do not reflect off of mirrors. Why, I am standing in front of a mirror right now as this is being typed; I can see each and every detail of my being in excruciating detail, so this theory of vampires not having reflections has just been dis-proven beyond a reasonable doubt.

Since we are in "Season Two" now, I should point out that spoilers for Blaz Blue: Continuum Shift are now fair game. If you do not want plot details for this game to be spoiled for you, do not read any farther, unless if you don't care for that sort of thing. On the other hand, I can freely talk about Blaz Blue: Continuum Shift now if you so desire.

Now then, to conclude my glorious return to this insipid blog, I have been informed that Blaz Blue: Continuum Shift has promotional artwork in the gallery section, much like in the first game. I am now looking up these images . . . oh joy, a picture of Noel's bum; that should increase the sales of this game by tenfold. Still, there are a few nice images though; that picture of myself and Noel isn't too bad by mortal standards . . . oh look, an image of myself and no one else. And another image of . . . my . . .

. . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . .

This is . . . . . . . . .

This is . . . . . . . . .

**THIS IS ABSOLUTELY OUTRAGEOUS!**


	10. Chapter 10

Upon discovering that _someone_ had illustrated and inserted an image of me wearing nothing more than swimwear into the latest game, as well as an image of me wearing Ragna's jacket and little else, I abruptly ended the last entry to have a word with the fine people at both Aksys and Arc System Works. No amount of threatening words nor intimidating actions had any effect on them. Don't they realize that this isn't promotional material on their website, but content in the actual game? Is this how they want the world to remember Blaz Blue by; as a fighting game series trying to become the next Dead or Alive franchise? Why would anyone trouble themselves to draw a picture that is nothing more than a Kaka fondling a very startled Tsubaki's bosom? And the excuses, good Lord, the excuses they used! "It's what the fans want, and by giving them what they want, it will inspire more loyalty from them!" "This isn't the Wii/DS market! This is the 360/PS3 market; a market still dominated by 20-something males hopped up on testosterone!" "But you have really nice legs! We can't let them go to waste!" Such a rank display of sexism left me too angered to do anything else, so I stormed out in disgust. And remember, it's not just me who's suffering; I am positively certain Noel will have a nervous breakdown should she so much as glance at some of the artwork of her that's in the game. And now let this be a lesson to any women who may be reading this; even if you don't possess physical traits that men stereotypically obsess over? They'll just find something else to obsess over. Look at Noel; she has a small bust, and is not very tall either, yet fans are obsessed with her buttocks and abdomen. _And don't even remind me of what fans obsess over yours truly. If you dare imagine yourself defiling my visage, do not make it known._ Ladies, the sooner you learn this, the better you will be to deal with the sex-obsessed men of the world, and men . . . _remember what I warned you about._

"Gulp!"

(A twak-like sound is heard)

"OWWWWW!"

And I would _love_ to meet the genius who came up with Makoto's costume for the actual gameplay sequences. Yes, continue to reinforce the stereotype that game players are perverse young men who could never land a woman in the real world, so they have to play with imaginary ones instead . . . actually, that is a fairly accurate assessment of most game players, now that I think about it.

Now then, where were we? Ah yes, the question for today.

"Hey, brat! Guess who! (Come on, you didn't really expect that I'd open with something as sappy and stupid as 'Dear Rachel,' did you?)

With all those nerfs to your snooty little self, did you really think you could beat me? Really? Ahahahahahaha! No, that's right! You couldn't! That's why you had to gang up on me with Haku and that old fart despite having your so-called 'unlimited' form-you're all so, so WEAK! Admit it, why don't you . . . you little bitch! Admit that you're pathetic!

Super-interestingly yours,

Hazama, head of the NOL Intelligence *wink*

P.S. You better keep your eyes peeled, 'cause I might just destroy the world while you're busy making a clown out of yourself in front of these gnats! Hehehehahahaha! Wouldn't want to miss out on the fun now would ya!"

_Yuuki Terumi; how dare you sully my blog with your presence. That's right; I said Terumi; you're not fooling anyone with that alias of Hazama anymore, least of all me._

. . . . .

Which is what I would be saying if you were indeed the genuine article. Next time, try to find a way to hide "Lore of Sin" from the upper left-hand portion of your message; doing so does wonders for impersonating a nihilistic spirit over the world wide web.

As for the question at hand, I have received more than one query on the subject, so I know now that I can't avoid this any longer. Let me explain this so-called "nerfing" (if that's even a word) of my abilities. You see, in the first game, I was holding back most of the time, but even at that, I was still completely dominating the other fighters as is if were child's play. This bored me, so by the timeline of the second game, I held back even more, at an even smaller fraction of my overall power. As a bonus, I now use the Tempest Dahlia ability to compensate, and I can control George XIII with my Silpheed ability now. I understand those who play the game must find it frustrating that you cannot completely dominate . . . oh wait, excuse me, I forgot, I'm speaking to video game players over the internet. Gii, I don't want to make a fool of myself; speak to the game players on their level.

"Um, okay, Princess. (clears throat) You won't be able to, uh, how do you say that? Pawn? Pown? Oh, it's pown! You won't be able to pown people as easily, but with enough practice, even a total noob should be able to at least win a match! All it takes is practice and strategy! You can't just bumrush an opponent; she's not a tank like Hakumen. Ha ha ha! That's a funny and surprisingly apt description of him! Yeah, you can't just rush a foe, you have to hang back and know when-"

-Are you done breathing through your mouth, Gii? Even you can't make this sound convincing. Just let me finish this.

"Phew! Thanks, Princess! That was a lot of tricky jargon there-OWWW!"

Yes. Now then, to play as me, you must be like a conductor for a seventy piece orchestra; you must know when to attack, defend, retreat, and charge, and to be able to do so on the fly, watching and anticipating your opponent's maneuvers while doing so. It isn't easy, but if you can master my technique, you'll find that I am still very formidable, even in my "nerfed" state.

And before I take my leave, I must explain something; in part four of this blog, I said, "Saya must be rolling in her grave right now." Those of you who have played Blaz Blue: Continuum Shift know that this can't be right. Please bear in mind, I was under contractual obligation to not tell you the truth at the time; even if I had to lie, I would do so if that meant not breaking the contract I signed to have this blog published. I make no apologies for my actions. Now if you'll excuse me, I must come up with more plans to chastise the developers for their catering to the lowest common denominator. Until next time, au revoir.

[Special thanks to Lore of Sin for impersonating Hazama/Terumi for this entry. I must admit; you captured his character voice pretty well.]


	11. Chapter 11

I would start off with a lengthy diatribe here, but I have nothing to criticize at the moment. Rather, I come with good news. I have finally discovered a way to display exclamatory question marks properly on here. I have gone back and inserted them where they belong. You needn't worry yourself on helping me with my formatting woes any longer. With that settled, let us move on to today's response.

"Dear Rachel . . . again.

Seriously, why am I writing again?

It seems that both of us have arrived on the Meta plane of things. You know who I am and where do I come. Which means you know I'm not the 'real' Raim Hanta, per se, and you're not the 'real' Rachel, by analysis, since we are . . . not able to exist outside the wall. How do you feel about this?

Secondly, since I'm bored as hell, why wasn't anyone at Kagutsuchi celebrating New Years' Eve? Yeah, I know that Ragna's presence could tense the atmosphere, but come on. The loop happened on the 31th of December, every frigging time, there should've been a . . . disturbance when at least some of the cast just celebrated New Years. I just . . . wonder why they don't have any sort of preparations (maybe the exception is Ronin-gai, where Bang resides. Yes, I know they're fireworks there).

Third and final . . . you know that Kokonoe is the daughter of both of Jubei and another certain person I won't spoil, but . . . since it is an interspecies relationship, what do you think about it? I know you're on good terms with her (ignoring her foul mouth sometimes), I just want to know if you're open-minded enough to accept her. I mean, here in Gensokyo I have seen . . . many things that would made a person who uses his common sense instead of his head to go crazy, like Youmu (the half ghost, don't ask), Keine (the were-hakutaku) and many others. Thankfully, I'm reserved enough to . . . not to be driven by earthly fetishes, if you know what I mean. *shudder* Somehow, I wonder why we humans are so . . . volatile.

Whoa . . . I guess I wrote more than I should. Well anyway, bye and feel free to answer this or not.

Sincerely, Raim Hanta (meta)"

Oh~? You're more perceptive than I could've imagined. Well then, to answer your first question, let me ask you and everyone else the following: what if I were to tell you that all of this time, you have not been communicating with what you would consider the real Rachel Alucard? What if I told you that instead, you have been communicating with a sort of master puppeteer? A puppeteer who is a master with marionettes like the ones you would know as "The cast of the Blaz Blue series?" A puppeteer who is also not unfamiliar with "Meta" writing such as this? A puppeteer who is so good at controlling this one particular marionette, that those who read what it espouses here could almost trick themselves into thinking it was the _real_ Rachel Alucard, and that they could interact with her, even though such a thing is impossible for those who exist on the other side of the so-called Fourth Wall? Does that make you scared?

"Um, Princess, your eyes are turning yellow again! Are you mad about something?"

Huh? Oh, no, I was just giving an elaborate answer. Wait a second, Raim Hanta? The sender who thinks he exists in a computer game series called Touhou Project? This is _your_ doing? Well that explains the strange questions. I'm only going to continue answering your queries since it amuses me.

Now then, for question two . . . did you not play Litchi's story mode in Continuum Shift? She and her protege/underling Linhua were clearly ringing in the new year in Orient Town. Don't tell me you wrote this without actually playing the game? The last thing I need is someone asking me something about a game series they have absolutely no familiarity with. It would be like me trying to ask about the Call of Duty series; I wouldn't know where to start, for I know nothing about it; why risk looking like a fool by asking anyway?

As for your last question, I am on . . . interesting terms with Kokonoe, to say the least. I am not one opposed to companionships involving different species, such as her parents, provided that said species can get along with each other.

But again, you refer to the setting of the Touhou Project. If my latest research is correct, the characters you named off now are a half-human/half-ghost girl, and a woman that is normally human, but under the full moon, becomes a hakutaku. Such . . . descriptions are baffling, to be sure. Then again, I just learned that the creator of the Touhou Project is a man who is perpetually inebriated. Why does it all fall into place now? But at the same time, I can understand what it's like to not be driven by what you call, "earthly fetishes." What I dread more than anything else is to receive a response that says, "Rachel, my petite flat-chested goddess! Oh how I desire to-" you know what I'm getting at.

But what is meant by your last sentence? "Somehow, I wonder why we humans are so . . . volatile." What is that supposed to mean? Are you trying to be clever by ending your message with a vague and ambiguous statement that no one can possibly hope to interpret, not even the one who wrote the statement? Because I don't care for meaningless passages that have nothing to offer.

Now then, before I take my leave, let me make one thing clear; _there is no such thing as the __Spectacles of Eros._ That entire sequence was not canonical. Pay no attention to the antics of the so-called "Gag Reels" if you value your sanity. Just know that it was not _my_ idea to place those scenes in the game. And now, if you'll permit me, I have some tea I wish to finish.


	12. Chapter 12

There is a pestilence sweeping through my responses section. Ever since I addressed a sender posing as Terumi, more Terumi impersonators have sprung up. Get it through your heads already; you cannot fool me. Do _not_ take me to be the village idiot. I only addressed the first of the Terumi impersonators because it was the most cleverly worded of the questions about how I played in Continuum Shift. Any further impersonated responses, whether they be of Terumi or anyone else for that matter, will very likely be ignored from here on out. And now with today's response.

"Dear Madam Rachel,

A thousand pardons, Madam, for my inexcusable curiosity. Before I go off and ask you my question, I would like to make a comment. On behalf of everyone here on this blog, I would like to thank you for taking the time in answering these personal questions. (No matter how ridiculous, rude and outrageous some of these questions might be.) You always seem to put your own personal spin in answering these questions and such creativity is appreciative in this particular writing circle. I also extend my thanks to your familiars who assist you in this creative process. Their efforts should not be left unnoticed. Although it seems that I look like I am 'groveling at your feet' (pardon the exaggeration) by writing this, it is far from it. I am truly appreciative in what your doing and in sharing your personal thoughts and feelings about certain things is a brave and noble thing to do.

And now to my question. It seems that in both games, you have taken a position as an observer. An audience member who has taken her seat and watches the actors preform. And after the performance has ended, you take a brief intermission before seeing the same performance. Again, and again, and again. However, as of late, you have now taken a more active role in changing the plot of the story and giving the actors ideas on how to go about certain things. Clues, we'll say. Is it because of Takamagahara's destruction that you do this now so freely? Will you be helping these actors more openly? If you had to choose one actor, who would you save from their fate? Perhaps, I'm getting ahead of myself and pressuring you to reveal a future Blazblue plotline.

If this message has offended you in anyway, I sincerely apologize for it. And if you do not believe in my apologize, I apologize for that in itself. Feel free to answer this at your leisure. Once again, thank you and to your familiars and good luck in your future artistic endeavors.

Sincerely Yours, Anime Psychologist

PS: I lost the game."

Oh dear, not another sycophantic fan. Actually, I shouldn't be complaining; not once did you say you wanted to "tap" me, so I suppose I should be thankful for your respecting personal boundaries. However, your entire first paragraph is nothing but feverish praise. Are the people of the early 21st century that unaccustomed to web logs that are made with attention to detail? I'm starting to think that the only reason I've received so much praise is that people are starved for quality writing, so then when someone who actually cares about standards and quality appears, they will lap nothing but adoration to the writer, even if said writer is not all that skilled. It's like blog readers are used to drinking water, but _only_ water. It is satisfactory, and it nourishes them, but it is all that they can drink. Suddenly, a fountain appears, one that dispenses not water, but rather, exotic fruit juice. The juice is colorful, and very tasteful, unlike the water. The blog readers now have this exotic fruit juice to satisfy them, but what they don't realize is that drinking too much of it makes them dependent on the juice. Should the fountain stop, the blog readers will become impatient, delirious, and I fear, even violent. But the taste of the juice is what drives them, simply because it is a break from the tedium of the water they were so used to beforehand. I can't think of a better explanation as to why people have developed such adoration for my blog, so there you go.

As for your questions, there is just one I can answer upfront; of all the actors on the stage that I watch, if I could save just one, it would be Ragna. Do _not_ take this to be a confession of love. The reason I would save him is because he is the best chance humanity has in my timeline. Despite his . . . issues, he is the one with the determination to reclaim the world from those who would cause it to fall into further ruination. As for your other questions, I cannot answer them at this time, but I can tell you that the destruction of Takamagahara is an interesting cast change, to say the least.

In truth, your message has not offended me, but your post-script says that you lost the game. I would advise that you go back and play it again, on a lower difficulty level if you need to. Don't worry, I won't harass you if you have to complete Blaz Blue on the easiest difficulty setting, although I can't guarantee that your peers would be so forgiving.

Now that I've addressed your response, I shall undertake a dance lesson. If you were expecting me to conclude this with some damning words toward a person or group of people I despise, well, I don't feel like it now. There's no rule that says I _must_ end every entry like so, so I won't for today.


	13. Chapter 13

The internet is a strange device, to be sure. Humanity hasn't been the same since its inception. I have observed people use it for both good and ill. There is one thing, however, that I must address. It is the use of language on the internet. Quite frankly, I find it deplorable. I already know that the majority of mortals use language only as a perfunctory means of communicating with each other, but the internet has truly brought the use of language to a new low. Gone are the days where people craved learning new words, and craved learning new ways of using language to convey not just what you want to say, but also to convey feeling, emotion, art. Communication as a whole has lost its feeling. I fear that I and those close to me are some of the few people left in the world who still cherish the art of language. Observe what I mean. This is an artful conversation:

"Good day, Valkenhayn. How are you this fine evening?"

"I am well, Madam Rachel."

This is how most conversations play out on the internet.

"sup. So i herd u liek mudkips."

"dood, thats retarded."

"jk lol"

And not only are mortals refusing to speak properly, the days of Shakespearean eloquence are now a subject of derision, of mockery. I for one will not tolerate this, and neither should you. Responses that are articulate are much more likely to be featured here, after all, but enough of my one-way discourse; it's time we moved on to today's response.

"Dear Rachel Alucard;

I must ask, really - it's certainly a compelling thought. As you've noted, you're quite knowledgeable about many things of the world, and perhaps the ways of fans and the Internet, so I'm sure you've noticed the countless images and erotic literature (doujinshi, as we call them) of yourself and Ragna. Which leads to my first question.

What do you think of the constant ship teasing with Ragna the Bloodedge?

My second is more meta in nature - again, I'm sure you're aware of the different translations of your game, as well as the technicalities and mechanics of the fourth wall which you covered during your answer to Raim Hanta.

So . . . this might be the most random thing asked yet.

Who do you think portrayed you better? The Japanese voice actress, or the English one?

...I had a third question here, but I forgot. Oh, well. A prompt answer to my queries would be most helpful." (IT'S A FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN)

There is an error in your response; doujinshi, as in fan-produced material, is not inherently pornographic in nature. Ero doujinshi is, yes, but just because fans have an annoying tendency to sexualize everything under the sun doesn't mean they always will. Or is your Japanese just rusty? Regardless, there is clean doujinshi out there; it's just very difficult to find online.

Now onto your first question proper: yes, I am loathe to admitting it, but I am aware of fan material that depicts Ragna and I being in a relationship. I suppose I can't stop fans from writing such material. So long as they don't attempt to make a profit off of it, it is their choice as fans to write such material if they so desire. Of course, much of this doujin literature can be nauseating to read. To whit:

"Oh, Rachel-chan, you are so kawaii!" "Oh dearest Ragna-kun, take me in your arms now!"

And that's if the author is being _clean._ Luckily, I don't have to read doujin if I don't want to. However, I do want to dispell an assumption I've come across; in my research for this response, I came across a chap who said the following:

"If Rachel came across Rule 34 . . . it would mean the end of the human race as we know it."

Rule 34, as I've come to understand, refers to fan-made . . . erotica, or ero doujin, since the Japanese language is the subject of today's posting. Rest assured, I'm not going to destroy the world just because some random degenerate decides to write cheap erotica for their masturbatory needs. I can think of a number of sins far more grievous than that.

Now, as for your second question, you ask on who portrays me better in the games. In the Japanese dub, I am played by Kana Ueda, while in the English dub, I am played by Mela Lee. I shall now compare soundbytes . . . . . how curious. I honestly can't tell them apart. It's almost like the English voice actress is the Japanese voice actress but speaking English, and vice versa. These are not terrible performances, but rather . . . terribly competent performances.

Of course, I know that for some people in the fanbase, this is a loaded subject. For some people in the English-speaking fanbase, they prefer the Japanese dub over the English dub. In some cases, it is because they prefer to play a game in its original presentation, and Blaz Blue originated in Japan, so that makes sense. Other times, it's so they gain more exposure to the Japanese language, so that they may better speak it, although I can think of a great many number of methods of learning a new language that are infinitely more effective than playing a fighting game to death. Oh, but if only this were the case. Most arguments supporting the Japanese dub from those who don't understand the language usually reads something like so (note: the following has been edited to preserve your sanity):

"(blank) THUH ENGLISH LAGUAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!"

So you're going to completely discredit the English voicetrack, one that has been well-received by critics if I may add, because of your prejudice against anything not of Japanese origin? Suit yourselves. Such behavior isn't anymore ridiculous than my refusal to listen to most modern music, but at the very least, I am not going to be obnoxious about it to those who disagree with my opinions, now am I?

"Oh please, Princess. We all know how unreasonably stubborn you are about your tastes."

Please excuse me for one moment. I've finished answering your response; I must deal with a pressing issue before I come to today's conclusion.

(A loud "HHHHEEEEEEAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!" Can be heard within the castle.)

And now then, I should make known a sad but inevitable truth; I am not going to maintain this blog forever. I have been doing this for some time now; making a repetition of deciding which response to print and how to respond to it. In due time, this will become boring to me. When that will be, I cannot say. It may be six months, two years, several decades, I don't know, but I will say, this blog will not be updated forever. Fear not, though, for when I do inevitably end this charade, I will perform a final entry of Wagnerian proportions, so that you will not be disappointed, and that I will have the satisfaction of ending on a high note.

Now watch as I receive numerous responses saying, "Please don't go, Lady Rachel! I've got like 40 more questions to ask you! I'll even phrase them beautifully, just the way you like it!" Regardless of what may come, I must come to an end for now. Concluding a piece is always the hardest action to perform during the process of writing. Nonetheless, it must be done.


	14. Chapter 14

Today's responses are lengthy. I will not take up your time here, so let us proceed post-haste.

"Dear Flat-Chest,

Pardon my extremely rude remarks, but I am not one for formalities. Anyway, I have two questions for you.

Question #1: Exactly why on earth does Ragna the Bloodedge seem to call you a, and I quote, 'Friggin' Rabbit'? I know you have an appearance similiar to one, but I feel like that detail is a little more complicated than that. Don't take this the wrong way. I am more interested in the inspiration behind your appearance, not fanservice. I have somewhat perverted myself, but GEEZ, at least I am trying to actually make decent questions!

Question #2: What are your opinions on each of the other characters of BlazBlue? Y'know, Ragna, Noel, Taokaka, Litchi, Bang Shishigami, Platinum, Trollzama (Apparently a nickname given by the fans) AKA Terumi/Hazama, and son?

Question #3. There's a friend of mine who's a huge fan of you . . . Okay, more like a freakishly obsessed idiot that hopes to one day be you as his girlfriend, and I can't make him shut up, OR slap him back into reality. What do I do?

Thanks for reading this.

From,

The Anti-Social One"

Pointing out the fact that I have, in your words, a "flat chest" is rude, yes, but I wouldn't find it extremely rude. Since I care not for the size of mammary glands, I can overlook your slight for now. However, when communicating with a woman in real life, I suggest more tact.

Now then, for your first question, the reason Ragna addresses me as "Rabbit" is, as much as he'll deny it, to make me seem somehow "cute", and rabbits are traditionally considered cute by mortal standards. He insults me by saying this, but knowing how twisted his mind is, it could also work as a term of endearment. I am pleased to know that you are not interested in what you call "fanservice." I had to look up what that phrase meant, and now I wish I hadn't. I refuse to dignify the subject of fanservice any longer. Moving on.

I already received a question asking my thoughts on the characters from Blaz Blue, but that was prior to the release of Continuum Shift. I am in no mood to repeat everything I said in my last entry, since my opinions on many of the characters have been unchanged, but for those who are new, or for those whose actions have revealed new sides to their characters, let me now tell you what I think about the cast.

Carl Clover: He is more cunning than he lets on. A child as experienced with tragedy as he is is no doubt is more mature and intelligent than a mortal his age should be allowed. He's a living testament of the phrase, "That which does not kill me only makes me stronger." He is justified in his pursuit of his heinous father, however, the means he uses to achieve this are questionable. He became less mistrustful after a run-in with Litchi, but I find this to be dubious, for speaking of Litchi . . .

Litchi Faye-Ling: The woman of Orient Town was a woman driven by love for a man named Lotte Carmine, a scientist for Sector Seven. He gave his sanity and a chance for a happy life to become a Black Beast. The end result was the abomination called Arakune. Litchi failed to give up hope that he could be saved, even when Carmine, Kokonoe, and everyone else she held dear told her it was pointless. So steadfast was she to save her true love that not only did she subject herself to the same corruption that befell Carmine, she also sided with "Hazama" under the pretense that he could save him. Such a tragic creature this Litchi. I think I liked her more when she was fondling Noel and Tsubaki, which is something I thought I'd never say.

Jin Kisaragi: While still being much more inhospitable than the average man, Jin has comes to terms with his past trauma, and, like his brother Ragna, he realizes he is in a position to do good instead of harm. Jubei can be thanked for breaking him out of his madness. He's still an uncouth mortal, but he is trying very hard at the same time, although I still fear for him whenever Ragna is around.

Tsubaki Yayoi: A child of a conservative upbringing. She, like Ragna and Jin, has the capacity to do much good in the world. Alas, her upbringing in the Yayoi family has made her unable to think for herself, and live only to please her superiors, including the Imperator. She desires to make the world a better place, and yet, her narrow-mindedness has not only caused more problems than solved, it has also driven away Jin, the one man that she truly loves. It doesn't help that Terumi has driven her into further despair. Her life reads exactly like an Ancient Greek tragedy, which is fitting, considering how much she admires them.

Hazama/Terumi: Terumi is a lost child believing himself to be the only one who can see past the webs of deceit that blot the world. Then again, he is an entity that lives off of the hatred he can stir up from people. Granted, he is not the only thing in the universe that functions like so, but the reason he is scum in my eyes is because he is good at what he does. He is not an idiot. That may be the most damnable thing about him. He knows how to anticipate an event, and even if something goes against his initial plan, he always has a backup. If only he were a imbecile, none of this would be happening. Unfortunately, we must now suffer a "savior" who enjoys what he does and knows exactly how to achieve his goals.

Makoto Nanaya: At first glance, one would think that Makoto is comic relief. She is much more, how should I phrase this? "Dorkier" than most of the other characters, and is always involving Noel and Tsubaki in some zany scheme she has cooked up. (As if those ladies didn't suffer enough trauma as it was.) Combine that with her . . . her combat apparel, if you can even call it that, and you can see why it would be hard to take her seriously. And yet, she is a mole for Sector Seven, and a very effective one at that. Good moles are always the ones no one suspects, and Makoto is a definitive example, no doubt. Although I would take her more seriously if she wasn't so childish.

Valkenhayn R. Hellsing: He is a true gentleman, a relic from an era when manners meant something. He never puts himself before anyone else, least of all me. Not only that, the fact that we can get along so well is proof that yes, vampires and werewolfs can work together. The only aspect tragic about him, aside from his past as one of the Six Heroes, is that there aren't more people like him in the world. And the first one of you who interprets this amount of praise as "Oh! No wonder she doesn't admit to loving Ragna! She loves Valkenhayn instead!" is getting their heads removed from their bodies. You have been warned.

Platinum the Trinity: She is a girl who has inherited the personalities of three people: Luna, an abrasive girl, Sena, a quiet boy, and Trinity, one of the Six Heroes. Unfortunately for most of us, Trinity is asleep most of the time, so encountering Platinum usually results in a conversation like this:

"What do you want, Strangerǃ?"

"Luna, don't be so rude to the guest."

"Shut up! You don't know if he's a good guy or not!"

"But it's generally not a good idea to sound so brash."

"Oh, what do you knowǃ?"

And back and forth they go, in the same body no less. Trinity herself is a very proper woman, and I suppose Sena is not deplorable by any means, but Luna just makes me want to punish her with George XIII with extreme prejudice. One must be skilled with diplomacy if you are to approach her.

Mu-12: Okay, she's Noel Vermillion, and my opinion of her still stands. However, in her "true" form, her . . . her buttocks are quite visible. Wretched sexual fanservice. Still, I think her reaction to seeing that would be most amusing. I can picture it now; she's online, then she sees an unflattering image of herself.

(Noel looks like she's about to cry) "EEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAH! MY BUTT! MY BUTT IS ON THE INTERNET!"

Truly pitiable, especially since it's not her fault.

And concerning your last question, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your friend is beyond help now. If he truly has crossed into the point of obsession, then there is only one absolute cure, namely, death. Of course, I'm sure you would rather not kill your friend, in which case, I would recommend isolation from the outside world. During this isolation, you will rehabilitate him with anything that can get his mind off of me. How to do that is up to you. Offer him fatty foods, make him listen to the audiobook version of The Illiad, discuss the political situation of your home country, just whatever you do, do not remind him of anything tangentially related to me. That means no Blaz Blue, no vampires, no red-eyed women, and certainly not anyone who speaks as I do. Do this for as long as it takes. If this fails, and you still don't want to kill him, then at the very least, keep him away from so-called "Plushies" of me.

And on that note, we move on to the next response.

"Dear Rachel, two quick fashion questions,

1: Why is it that you only wear your awesome Dracula-style cape during your distortion drives and after winning a match?

2: Why don't your shoes have any heels? No matter how trendy it may be, not having any heel support can't be good for your feet.

With benevolence,

Dirk Steadfast"

My cape is something I save only for special occasions. For one thing, it is, in your words, a "Dracula-styled cape." Wearing my cape too frequently would only serve to perpetuate stereotypes that mortals have for vampires. Also, do you know hard it is to maneuver in a cape? It would get in my way during a battle, hence why I don't wear it during combat.

As for my footwear, yes, it can be quite painful to my heels should I stand on them for too long. Then again, I have the ability to hover off of the ground for a reason. When one can fly, even if only a few centimeters off the ground, it truly puts far less pain on the feet. 'Tis a pity that mortal women that wear high-heeled shoes usually lack this ability; think of all the women who wouldn't be suffering fortuitous amounts of pain should they have my abilities.

Now then, there is something else of importance that I need to address, namely, the fact that there is a dearth of noteworthy responses at the moment. I have absolutely nothing that I want to respond to as I write this. This does not bode well for me at all. Do you know why? No, I'm not ending the blog just yet. Rather, if I go on for too long without anything to address, do you know what will happen? Someone else will update this blog, someone who doesn't need responses to update a blog. And this other person lacks my grace, to say the least. Do you want this individual to take over instead? If not, then I suggest actually asking something I will respond to, like, "Dear Rachel, what is your thought on players that use arcade joysticks over gamepads? Do you feel they have an unfair advantage?" or "Dearest Rachel, why do so many vampires have blonde hair and red eyes?" or "Dear Madam Rachel, are you holding out for an animated adaptation of Blaz Blue? Why or why not?" Simple questions, really; if you ask any of the above, I will respond to them. Or you could choose not to, and "dare" me to introduce my guest host. (I can't mention the name of the guest I have in mind. Contractual obligations.) Also keep in mind, I am more likely to respond to you if you send your submission via email rather than by just leaving a comment where all the Terumi impersonators are hiding out. And don't think that I'm bluffing, I am not afraid to temporarily turn my blog over to a guest if my demands are not met. Think of this as a scene in those video games that impose moral decisions upon the player: do you respect the wishes of a hostess you know will deliver content that you enjoy? Or will you ignore her and let someone whose quality I cannot guarantee take over, for as long as I have no worthy submissions? It's your choice, really. Until then, I await your responses.


	15. Chapter 15

(The scene is black. Nothingness. Nothing can be seen nor heard. Suddenly, a stage light switches on. The stage light illuminates the left side of the audience's vision. Enter a woman wearing a white lab coat stage left. The stage light follows her until she stands center stage. All of the stage lights switch on so that the scene can be visible to the audience. The woman in the labcoat has pink hair, yellow eyes, and two cat tails. She is standing in front of what looks like a laboratory. The woman speaks.)

Greetings, lost children. I am Professor Kokonoe, the kind and benevolent angel of mercy who has come to soothe your weary souls of pain and misery.

"Was that . . . sarcasm, Kokonoe?"

Shut up, Tager. Well now, kiddies, it appears you didn't take "Madam" Rachel seriously when she said she would turn her blog over to someone else. Either that, or you got bored of her, not that I blame you. She said I could talk about whatever the hell I want, so long as I keep it rated T, which . . . I find to be a little restrictive, actually.

So yeah, what to talk about? She said she had a number of responses she didn't wanna talk about, and that I could respond to them myself if I felt like it. I guess we'll start there. Ooookay, what did you kids ask that Rachel felt was beneath her?

"Good evening, Lady Alucard

May I ask you your opinion of the 21st century pop idol Justin Bieber? I personally can't stand him, and I don't know what his appeal is."

I think I might know why she'd not answer this. According to my sources, this Bieber character was a commercialized performer of the early 21st century. If that's the case, she was probably like,

"I refuse to dignify this so-called 'artist' with any response whatsoever. Next response, Valkenhayn."

(sighs) I consider this a lost opportunity, but this is an opportunity that will no longer be lost. You wanna know what I think of Justin Bieber? Here goes; he's not that much different from most other pop musicians from your era. He's simply a "cute" guy that knows how to sing words to a song, much like nearly every other "artist" from the early 21st century. Whoop-dee-freakin-doo. That's not a special talent. I can sing words to a song too! Where the hell are _my_ dividendsǃ? Just listen to my golden voice! I'm looking over/a four leaf clover/that I overlooked before. But of course, I won't get a contract, because I'm not "cute" or "pretty" enough. You see, that's the problem with the music of your era. The industry doesn't sell music; it sell images. It sell images of cute boys, cute girls that turn into drug-induced sexpots, overly-muscular rappers obsessed with themselves and "da club", disaffected young punks, and what have you. I can see why you can't stand Mr. Bieber, because he is a product of this approach to selling music, and I don't blame ya. Alright, next question, nevermind the fact that it was addressed to you-know-who.

"Ever heard of 2 Girls 1 Cup?"

Ha ha ha ha! You humans and your love of gross depictions of . . . grossness. Just what the hell possessed people to record crap like this? And no, I haven't seen it. You think I'm dumb enough to want to watch thisǃ? _No. Thank. you._ Also, don't think that Rachel was fooled into watching that either. She is quite fastidious with her research whenever she doesn't let her stupid bat thing type for her. (See? That's what's so awesome about me; I actually _type_ the words I speak. I don't make two doofuses and a retired Hero type it for me, because I'm that awesome.) Anyways, moving on, before someone sends me a link to that.

"Dear Lady Rachel,

Exactly how do I gt the admiation of this girl I like. I'm worried that I might do something stupid and get a well plated stinging, red, hand-shaped mark on my face.

From,

Musashisuya

P.S.: Bang Shishigami sent a message similiar to this, but that idiot somehow lost it."

Unlike Little Miss Blondie, I'm not gonna bother editing your typos out; it's not like anyone cares on the internet. (Even she herself said so.) Well, you wanna court a girl without getting her to hate you? Well, there's two ways to do it, a sensible way, and a not-so-sensible way. The sensible way would be to get to know her better, just as acquaintances, and without telling her what you think of her. After a while, ask her if she wants to spend one-on-one time with you, or a "date" if you insist. If she says yes, go for it. Have a date, enjoy yourselves, and keep doing this until you think it's time to tell her how much you want to snuggle with her. That's the sensible way. The not-so-sensible way? Well, you said Bang also tried to ask Rachel about this. Here, I'll give you an example of how not to date a woman. Lambda, I have an assignment for you.

(Somewhere in the Ronin-Gai district)

"Target confirmed as Bang Shishigami. Shishigami, I come on behalf of Miss Alucard."

"Ah! A talking robot girl! Well, I am not one to ignore a robot girl. What is it that you and the vampire woman wish to tell me?"

"She has advice to give you on courting a woman you love."

"R-Reallyǃ? Are you really going to help me with my dilemmaǃ? Well then I'm all ears! Inform me, exotically beautiful robot girl!"

"Affirmative."

(Later that day, in the Orient Town district.)

"Oh, hello Bang. How are you today?"

"Miss Litchi, it is imperative that I tell you what I am about to tell you right here and now!"

"Oh, is it important? Then tell me."

"THROW YOURSELF INTO MY MANLY PECS, MISS LITCHI! FEEL THE PASSION OF MY HEART BEATING VIGOROUSLY INSIDE MY CHEST AS I HOLD YOU IN A TIGHT EMBRACE OF TRUE LOVE!"

(A few seconds later, just slightly above Orient Town, Bang is seen flying higher and higher into the air)

"HOW CAN THIS BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEǃ?" (disappearing twinkle effect)

(Back at the lab)

Don't do what I just got Bang to do if you don't want to get slapped. I got one last rejected response. Let's have a look, shall we?

"Dear Rachel,

Have you heard of this type of fanart called 'Hentai?' Basically it's where people draw themselves catering to someones every whim, sort of like what Nago and Gii do for you. Why, I'm sure if you search 'Blazblue Hentai Rachel' in a search engine, you could find many delightful pictures.

Sincerely,

Teru- Toastwolf."

I'm getting a good laugh out of this! Of course, Rachel isn't stupid enough to fall for a prank like this. For one thing, she's a centuries-old vampire, and as such, she understands a lot of languages, including Japanese; that lie of yours about hentai ain't gettin' past her. But the real reason I'm chuckling? I can _completely_ picture her reaction! Just imagine it,

"What is this rubbishǃ? I specifically ordered them _not_ to impersonate Terumi any longer! Do they take me to be the village idiotǃ? Do they really think I'm this asinineǃ? Valkenhayn, erase this tawdry message immediately, and fetch me my chocolate confections while you're at it."

Oh, if only my security cameras worked in her dimension! Her reaction had to have been golden.

Oh! I just remembered something else! If Rachel keeps getting no responses that are to her liking, _I'll_ keep updating. And not only that, I'm even in talks to get my own spinoff! How's _that_ for groundbreaking newsǃ? I'm going to keep writing blogs if you keep disappointing the Rabbity Vampire! Well, _someone's_ gotta keep writing a fanonical 4th-wall-busting blog, and it sure as Hell ain't gonna be Hakumen, that's for damn sure.

"Do not speak so ill of me, Grimalken! Need I remind you that we had a deal?"

Yeah yeah, I know. So, what's it gonna be? The wild and wacky bunch in the Totally Not Ripping Off Tim Burton Manor? Or the scientific exploits of yours truly? Later, suckers.


	16. Chapter 16

Surely you saw how crass this blog became when I was short on proper responses. I hope you're pleased. Of course by now, Kokonoe has her own blog, and can answer her own responses, provided she feels like it. If you, for whatever reason, wish for her to respond to a query of yours, do so on her channel instead. I warn you though, if I go into another drought of being unable or unwilling to answer your comments, she will be encouraged to post her entries more quickly, and I can do without that woman making a mockery of me.

Now then, by the time you read this, you should surely know that there is a new Blaz Blue game in development. Soon, Blaz Blue: Continuum Shift 2 will be available in public arcades, and players will be able to fight as Makoto, Platinum, and my very own Valkenhayn without having to spend your precious capital over the internet to play as. You should be thanking the developers. Other than that, I am not at liberty to tell you anything else about this new development. Instead, let us proceed to the question of the day.

"Dear Rachel,

I was just wondering, what is your opinion on the general depictions of women in 21st century media? Also, do you believe humanity has the capacity to band together, if faced with a common threat? Several series, including but not limited to 'Halo', 'Guilty Gear', and of course, 'BlazBlue' seem to imply such a scenario, but as we've never experienced such a situation in history as of yet, there is nothing to compare to. Ok, I guess I'm also asking whether or not you believe people have, or will ever posses the capacity to encompass in their thoughts that there are billions of their kind. We all have mammalian behavioral characteristics, as well as a type of pack mentality, but the density of our colonies (cities) often rivals that of an insect colony, something not observed in any other species. (Tod 1166)"

For your first question, I can say that the depiction of women, at least in the early 21st century, in the media is a baffling one, to be sure. Unlike in the past, where women were rarely portrayed as anything other than deferential doormats to men, women in 21st century media are . . . not always so pliant. Take my game series, for instance. Sure, most of the female characters are tailor-made to appeal to certain appetites (and let's leave it at that), but we function more than just as digital playthings. We are evolving, dynamic characters in our world, just as the male characters are. Well, except for Tao of course, but what character growth would you expect from a cat? However, there are other products, be they films, video games, novels, or what-have-you, wherein the women are as flat as the personality-less females of yesteryear. They are flat, lacking in personality, and only exist to titillate the audience. If you've read this far into my blog, you know full well of what I feel about this. At least antiquated female roles occasionally played a prominent role, like that of the family matriarch, or the queen of a nation, even if they still deferred to a man at the end. The flat females (please don't read that literally) of your era? Cringe-inducing. I am aware that some male characters are the same way, but they do not occur at the infuriating frequency that shallow female characters do. But don't take my criticism to be entirely damning; had it not been for the increased push for equal female portrayal, I and my cast would either not exist . . . or we would _all_ look like Litchi, _and_ have no minds of our own, Heaven forbid. Even despite what I said, I think Tao would be more memorable than those video game heroines from long ago.

And now for your second question, it is an interesting proposition, and yes, it is one frequently explored in other works of fiction. It is true that homo sapiens are the only species known to create such huge hive clusters, and yet at the same time not be hive-minded creatures like bees and ants. As for can something like that happen in reality? 'Tis a fascinating proposition, I must say. Many works of fiction posit that this is true. There is even a famous film from the late 20th century that claimed that such an act occurred since the governments of the world, even those diametrically opposed to one another, worked together to solve a calamity that endangered all of humanity. (And yet, that film focused primarily on the United States of America. How silly to undermine your message in such a way.) Now, as for something like this happening in reality? I believe it already has, albeit not in the epic fashion seen in fiction. Take for example whenever a natural disaster strikes: rescue workers will come onto the scene, fellow man and fellow woman will aid each other for survival, volunteers will come to donate funds, rebuild homes, adopt orphaned children; this sort of behavior already occurs in reality. But this is still not exactly what you're asking for. If something were to appear that threatened all of humanity, be it the Black Beast, a giant squid, a shallow race of extra-terrestrials, or mindless zombies, I would imagine humanity, if informed enough, willing enough, and able enough, would come together to combat the threat.

And for your last question? That can't happen. As I said before, humans, and those similar to humans, are not hive-minded. We are individuals in our thoughts and actions. Perhaps this is the greatest obstacle to the concept of the entirety of humanity uniting as one to combat a universal threat. Some people are incapable of seeing past their own viewpoints, for any number of reasons. Some would be unwilling to partake in the scenario I just described. Then again, that is what makes the human race what it is; a great number of individuals with many similarities, yet many differences at the same time.

Now then, if you've been waiting anxiously for this entry to be available to the masses, then you know that I have been absent for quite some time from this blog. You could say that my muse has not passed by me for quite some time now. Only at this moment have I finally ended this unexpected moratorium. I am currently working on two more responses as I write this. Rest assured, I will not vanish anytime soon. The dreaded finale will not have to air just yet. For now, I am going to let my pen rest, metaphorically speaking, and practice reciting Shakespeare's sonnets.


	17. Chapter 17

At what point does writing a web log go from being a joy to being a chore? This is a question that can have a variable answer, for it depends on who's writing the blog. I have no intention of turning this blog into a chore. If ever it becomes that . . . then I will simply move on to a different activity to keep myself occupied. Fortunately, I do have a backlog that is not entirely embarrassing, and as such, I shall now proceed to answer a question from a lucky submitter.

"Dear Miss Rachel/Prof. Kokonoe (whichever is answering)

Do you think the Blazblue game should become an anime? Or even Guilty Gear? There are mixed feelings about this topic. I, for one, wouldn't mind an anime of both games but others believe that the storyline for Blazblue would be too confusing for the audience to follow. Don't know how people feel about a Guilty Gear anime, though. I would like to hear your opinion on this.

Sincerely, CrimsonBloodedge"

If by "anime", you mean an animated film of some sort, I can say both yes and no.

No, because at first blush, the very idea of an animated version of Blaz Blue or Guilty Gear is nauseating to me. History has shown, time and time again, that animated adaptations of video games serve no purpose other than to compromise the integrity of the original game, and to push the audience to waste their funding on merchandising. I can name several examples offhand of this marketing ploy: Super Mario Brothers, Sonic the Hedgehog, Pocket Monsters, Street Fighter, Final Fantasy, and that's with_out_ consulting an online reference. And suppose the animated series or movie were to somehow become more popular than the game? Do you realize what this would do? It would drive people away from the source material, rather than encourage them to play it. Some of you may think that the opposite would occur, that the animation would encourage people to play the original game. Well I can assure you that some people will be so turned off by the animated adaptation, they will distance themselves from the franchise as much as possible, even if the original game is worth playing.

But, before I go any farther, I also say, yes, this could work. There are many scenes that are described in Blaz Blue, but not actually shown. Take for instance the Six Heroes' battle with the Black Beast. It is recounted in flashbacks, but has yet to actually be shown in the video games. It is possible that an animated film could depict the battle with the Black Beast, and not only show exactly what happened at this point in Blaz Blue history, but also showcase artistry that is not possible within the confines of a video game. Of course, for this to work, the people responsible for the video games must work to ensure that this idea not only stays true to the canon of the games, but also is of the same quality of the games, despite being a different format. This is much harder than it looks, but if someone were to make an animated Blaz Blue film, (I could scarcely picture Blaz Blue being played with real live actors; can you imagine how difficult it would be to make a person on your side of the Fourth Wall look like Ragna and not look completely silly at the same time?) it should be made with the same care and attention to detail as the video games.

As for Guilty Gear, on the other hand? That could never work in animated format. And no, I am not saying that just because I am a character from Blaz Blue; I am presenting a thoughtful analysis of both series, and I have come to the conclusion that Guilty Gear, unlike Blaz Blue, could never work on film, ever. Unlike Blaz Blue, Guilty Gear's story, if you can even call it such a thing, is too confusing, too contradictory, its characters too ill-defined, its writing too uninspired, and overall execution just plain lackluster, or at least, in comparison to Blaz Blue, these factors are the case. As "confusing" as Blaz Blue's plot may appear to fans, at least the seemingly bizarre happenings of my setting makes sense in my universe. Guilty Gear's bizarre happenings, on the other hand, makes no sense in _any_ universe. Of course, I don't fault the developers entirely for this; video games are not primarily made to deliver narratives, but rather, to be played as games, and ArcSys concentrated on that for Guilty Gear. Because of that, that is why an animated version of Guilty Gear has yet to surface. What could you possibly showcase with a Guilty Gear film? Insane choreography? Obnoxiously loud rock and roll music in digital surround sound? The fact that Ky Kiske has the same voice as the token "Bishounen" character in the original Japanese version of Dragonball Z? I'm of the opinion that a film needs to deliver more than just sound and fury, because as it currently stands, Guilty Gear would signify nothing important from a narrative perspective. I only believe Blaz Blue could work simply because my series, unlike most video games, has the good fortune of actually being competently written. It should be rather obvious, for if it wasn't, I wouldn't be displaying for you my witty repartee, now would I? Can you say the same thing for a character from Guilty Gear? I think not.

Before I sign off, it has come to my attention that Kokonoe has . . . shall I say, printed baseless assumptions of my character. It would be in your best interest to ignore her whenever she attempts to insult me. She is simply trying to get a rise out of me. Unfortunately for her, her childish attempts at such a thing will be entirely in vain.

"But Princess, isn't addressing the fact that Kokonoe is slandering you still technically getting a rise out of you, albeit an understated rise? You aren't ignoring her by doing this! You're playing right into her hands!"

Gii, you have spent enough time typing up my dictations for me today. Will you come see me outside for a moment?

"Uh, sure thing, Princess!"

(The two step out of the castle. All of a sudden, a strong gust of wind blows Gii away from the castle. _Very,_ far away.)

Such a wasteful use of my Silpheed, but he left me no choice. Now where, perchance, shall I go for the evening?


	18. Chapter 18

Consider the following, if you will; what if the internet had existed throughout all of human history? What if humankind had been connected as it is now, but throughout the Ancient era, the Middle Ages, the Renaissance, the Imperial Age, all up to the beginning of the Technological Age? I can't even begin to imagine how the present would turn out if that were the case. For one thing, I am uncertain if humankind would be better off with the internet, or better off without it. I can think of many advantages the internet would have given, but I can think of many disadvantages as well, poor grammar being the least of them. I do not wish to delve further into this topic, but I will leave it open for you to ponder over.

But now, let us answer not one, but two lengthy responses, from more proven responders, no less. It has been a while since my last posting, and I feel it would only be appropriate to give you a longer entry for today.

"To Lady Rachel Alucard,

Due to my curiosity, I have decided to ask some questions.

What is your opinion of Daisuke Ishiwatari? And what is your opinion on the musical themes which has made, especially about yours? More so about Scarlet Onlooker.

It is written on your profile that you like sweet foods. Is there any kind of sweet food you prefer, aside from cake?

Lastly, this question is directed to Valkenhayn if it is permitted.

Mr. Hellsing, As you are a gentleman, you are the person with knowledge and experience to answer this question. I am planning on cosplaying you for an upcoming Anime/Manga/Games convention. If you would be so kind, please give me some pointers as to how to effectively portray you, as well as tips in manners and etiquette?

If have answered my queries, I thank you for your time. If I have insulted you in any manner, especially as my questions may be a bit personal, I apologize.

Though both acts cannot be conveyed properly through textual medium, especially when people subscribing to the GIFT are proliferate, please give them the benefit of the doubt.

- C.R.V. Reyes, wandering in life"

This was not insulting in any manner. Perhaps I shall spare you today, though I am troubled by the true meaning of the GIFT (if you don't know what that means, look it up, or ask Kokonoe, for I am not reprinting that here).

Concerning Daisuke Ishiwatari, I understand that he is a game designer, visual artist, and actor, but is most known as a musician. However, most of his music is of the spinoff of rock and roll that is known as metal. I generally cannot tolerate metal; I find it far too cacophonic for my sensitive ears. This isn't to say that I will hate all of his music, however. Since you asked about my own musical themes, I shall now tell you about a grand composition entitled, "White Requiem."

It starts with a drum roll, then, both a chorus and a harpsichord enter, playing at a brisk pace! Within a few seconds, an electric guitar enters, as well as a pipe organ. Normally, mixing rock instruments with classical European instruments would doom your musical production, but somehow, Mr. Ishiwatari fuses these two styles in a manner that is not only befitting of a vampire noble, as well as Ragna, (since it is technically also one of his themes) but also one that is perfect for a battle royale. Perhaps . . . perhaps I was too harsh on the metal genre. I am now sampling another one of Mr. Ishiwatari's compositions; namely, the theme of "A.B.A." from the Guilty Gear series. I find it appeals to my gothic sensibilities very strongly. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same for my other theme, "Queen of Rose", and its vocal counterpart, "Scarlet Onlooker". I find it . . . very generic, in either form. The instrumental lacks the grandeur of "White Requiem", and the vocal version makes it sound like a generic pop song you would hear in the opening of a Japanese animation. All is not lost though; I have one good theme, and for that, I am grateful, even if I must share it with _him._

As for snacks, not only do I enjoy the taste of cake, I also enjoy crumpets, as well as chocolate candies, particularly strawberries dipped in chocolate. My body allows me to indulge in sweets without suffering the ill effects that would affect mortals. You may commence feelings of jealousy toward me now.

As for the last question, I will let Valkenhayn take over.

"Thank you, Madam Rachel. So you wish to, in your words, 'cosplay' as me? A very noble pursuit! A very noble pursuit indeed! After all, as I'm sure you're aware, merely looking the part is not enough, for you must also _feel_ the part. One important trait of my character is that I always put my mistress before me. You may recall a scene from the games wherein I, rather angrily, told Terumi that he may insult me all he pleases, but the moment he slanders my mistress, I will surely make him pay. I am a gentleman and a scholar, but that does not mean I am afraid to get my hands dirty at the same time. Furthermore, much like Madam Rachel, you must speak in an elegant manner at all times. You need not use overly complicated vocabulary, but you must speak in a refined manner that is befitting of the servant of a vampire princess. Lastly, You must remember to bow whenever you introduce yourself, as well as whenever you excuse yourself. If you need anymore help, simply consult any scenes from the games that aren't joke endings. Thank you, and good luck in your endeavor of portrayal of me! I must now turn over to Madam Rachel."

Thank you, Valkenhayn. I have one other response, again, from an experienced responder.

"Dear True Neutral vampire:

*sigh* Sometimes you can be really inconsiderate, you know? What happened with giving regards to your writers because of New Year's? That's something even I wouldn't do, you know?

Anyways, I decided to write this since my not-Meta self started acting again in your universe. Sometimes I'm ashamed of what "me" does. Now I know what Hakumen feels...

But anyways, this may seem...no, it's rude. Would you kindly read the fic that tells the story of my other self and give your thoughts about it? Maybe even perhaps pass this question to Kokonoe, in order to have her opinion too (say "Happy New Year's Eve" to her, by the way).

Yeah yeah, I know this isn't the right approach but...I really want to have that fragment of possibility that is that story to have "more elaborate" reviews. Seriously, they didn't catch on with the references "I" made about Gensokyo (and yes, even "me" said "Gensokyo" directly. But still, I can't expect the fans to understand everything.)

And finally, a question:

*sigh* Since I know Carrot well enough because of my "travels" in the Meta plane, I ask you this? Have you read any of Terry Pratchett's novels? No...I mean, do you know Discworld? If yes, what are your thoughts about it?

I...suppose that's all...no wait.

Will you ever have a guest (with the right amount of intelligence, that is) that writes your blog along with you? I'd be interesting to see that.

Well, now, I must be off.

Later.

(Meta) Raim Hanta

P.S.: Sorry about my other self calling you a stalker...even though it almost looks like it."

You truly are a basket-case, are you not? You honestly believe you can communicate with fictional characters? And you even try to classify me by using the alignment system from a tabletop game? Oh, but we'll get to the subject of your lunacy soon enough.

I don't know what you mean by "fic" but I just received a . . . what do you call this? A "Tweet" from Kokonoe? Saying that you mean a "fanfiction". I see . . . so you are a doujinshi author? It would certainly explain your delusions of interacting with fictional people. Very well then, I have enough free time to read what you have written. I shall return post-haste . . .

. . . What on Earth is this style of proseǃ? Is this what passes for quality in your timeǃ? No wonder this is fanfiction; no one would publish this! Constant and crude popular culture references, frequent changes in point-of-view, this is the work of a certifiably deranged man! Oh, but I mustn't be too harsh. Your attempt at an original character, or at least one not in the Blaz Blue games, is more entertaining than the one from the Blaz Blue Phase 0 novel. And I like some of the attempts at humor, especially compared to the . . . "gag reels" from the games. All is not lost for your audience, for I am aware of some cliches of doujin literature, and you at least avoid most of the more deplorable ones. Aside from that, your work is still far from finished; I think I might continue reading it, for I'm anxious to see if you improve at all, or if you derail this piece into a glorious trainwreck. I warn you, though, if it does become a trainwreck, I will mock you endlessly for it.

For your second question, I believe you are referring to the character of Carrot Ironfoundersson from the Discworld canon, are you not? You did refer to Sir Terry Pratchett by name. I cannot say that I have read any of his works, save for "Wyrd Sisters", and even then, I only read that because I heard it was a spoof of Macbeth, a favorite play of mine. (By the way, I am not afraid of printing The Scottish Play's true name, as you just saw. I have no need for your superstitions.) My thoughts on what little I know of Discworld is that it is basically nothing more than an attempt of making fun of narrative cliches. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, and I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy Wyrd Sisters at all, but if you want more than a fantasy series making fun of other fantasy series, you will be sorely disappointed. On the plus side, Mr. Pratchett is much more competent at the whole "make fun of fantasy tropes" than most other writers, so I can see how he influenced your own writing.

For your last query, I already had Valkenhayn take the helm for a question, however, I am currently not planning to yield this blog to anyone else at the moment. Note that I said "at the moment." I am always open to new ideas, and I may change my mind in due time.

And before I go on, I feel no need to wish people a happy New Year's Day. I know my previous article was published on December 31st, but I know that not everyone celebrates New Year's on that date, hence why I said nothing on the subject. Also, I don't know what you mean by "other self", unless if that's just a side effect of your insanity, but you would do well to **NOT** claim that I am a stalker. Stalking is a truly heinous activity, and something I would never lower myself down to. The next entry is already in production; you shall not have to wait too long for it to become published for all to see.


	19. Chapter 19

Those of you who have played Blaz Blue: Continuum Shift surely know that I was the instructor in the tutorial mode. I consider it an honor to be featured in such a mode of gameplay, especially since the player needs to play through the tutorial mode to unlock everything in the game; no one is safe from my sharp wit. Instructing simpletons at tasks like throws and combos is something I'm quite talented at, so I hope you learned something useful from the tutorial.

With that said, let us delve into a response that, for once, is not afraid to ask difficult questions. I enjoy a healthy challenge, so let us not make waste any longer.

"Dear Rachel,

Before I begin asking my questions, I'd like to thank you for coming up with such unique way (for video game characters) of connecting with your numerous fans. It's nice to see celebrities using their free time to do so. Second, I have to correct on a few things you said in your last post, no offense. Guilty Gear's storyline is understood by its fans, and has already been adapted into an anime. The gag reels in Blazblue are canon and either represent a loop the characters went through, or in CS

Before I ask my questions, I'd like to ask if you are aware of the release of the Blazblue Phase 0? Its a light novel that takes place in the Time of the Six Heroes, I believe 100 years before Ragna's church was burned down. You of course are around, Valkenhayn looks much younger(and more his character history is given). The Novel series will cover the battle with the Black Beast, expand on the Six Heroes themselves, and tell us the tale of the young man you knew as Bloodedge, who is said to be an object of you affections, as well as the result of Ragna's name sake.

Question 1: Have you done your research on characters your voice actresses have done before you? One particular is Rin Tohsaka of the Fate series. She shares many different character traits from you. While her appearance is exact opposite of yours, black-haired pig tails and blue eyes, red shirt, black skirt and black long socks and shoes, she has a servant who is dedicated to her, a brash friend who follows his own ideals, as well as both your voice actresses.

Question 2: Despite your repeated denial of it, the Blazblue games do in fact show that you do care for Ragna the Bloodedge, his bad ending for instance in Continuum Shift. When Ragna's body becomes a non functional black beast from overuse of the Azure Grimoire, and Jubei has to kill him. You respond by doing something that is impossible for your character. Actually getting on your knees and crying over him. Sorry to put you on the spot like so, but as a fan, its my duty to keep the facts in order.

I have several other questions, a lot less that involve being a investigative journalist of sorts. Thank you for listening and enjoy writing your responses to our questions. (Dragorion)"

What are you attempting, exactly? Are you trying to "school" me on things I already know, as well as claim that I am ripping off an established character at the same time? Have you no shame?

As of the date that this is uploaded in your time period, (February 7th, 2011 to be exact) there is not one animated adaptation of Guilty Gear. Outside of a short-lived graphic novel series, Guilty Gear remains solely a video game series. Unless if you are referring to a fanmade animated series that I am not aware of, you are either lying through your teeth, or are woefully misinformed on the subject. If it's the latter, research more thoroughly the next time you submit a response. If it's the former, well, as I've said before, do not take me to be the village idiot; I can see past many things. As for the story, it's possible that I'm missing something that longtime Guilty Gear may have spotted. If that is the case, then maybe it's possible that the plot makes sense in some unforeseen fashion, but the fact remains that Guilty Gear, unlike Blaz Blue, does not follow storytelling conventions, and therefore, is much harder to follow, and also to enjoy, for me at least.

And also, concerning the gag endings, in a sense, they do happen, but are immediately forgotten once the timeloop resets to the beginning. And whenever the "final story" arc begins, it only follows certain paths. These paths are the ones considered canon. You would do well to remember this.

Of course I know about the novel "Blaz Blue Phase 0", for I referenced it in the last entry. I have not read it, but I am aware of it, especially considering that I am featured in said novel. I have approved of my portrayal in this novel, but I cannot comment on it, not only because I have not read it myself, but also because I do not wish to spoil its contents for my readers. Forgive me if I cannot say anything on it. ("Oh gosh, The Princess just apologized to her readers! Wow, how rare! How humble! How OWWWWWWW!")

Now then, you are not the first person to find a connection between myself and the character you call Rin Tohsaka. It should come as no surprise that the series she comes from, the Fate series, is a part of the same universe of the Melty Blood series, so naturally, many fans are claiming my series is hackneyed simply because it lifts superficial traits from these earlier games. For instance, yes, this Rin has the same voice that I do, yet . . . I find it extremely difficult to believe that a mortal as young as her would speak with the refined quality that I speak with; I would almost think that someone of her background and personality would be a little more brash sounding. Secondly, you claim that her servant, a man known only as "Archer", was the template for Ragna, simply because he wears red and regularly insults people. However, there are some things about the two of them that are quite dissimilar, not the least of which being "Archer" is not quite as vulgar as Ragna. Alas, I cannot go into great detail without spoiling this series, but I assure you that Ragna and "Archer" are not identical in terms of characterization. However, I must remark, Rin and I seem to be both individuals who prefer to be shrewd and act before we think, also preferably without emotions interfering with our thought processes either. For this, I find her admirable, and not just because this is a trait I also possess; this world we live in would be much more sensible if there were more people like us in it.

And lastly, there is a scene in Continuum Shift wherein I am reduced to tears over a tragedy concerning Ragna. This would be perfectly in character for me. I did say I did not despise him, and love interest or not, it would pain me terribly to see him perish before my very eyes. Whatever impression people may have of me, I can assure you of one thing; I am not a heartless harpy. If I should see someone I care die before I do, it would hurt me inside, just like it would anyone else. It is this quality that separates me from the likes of Terumi, Relius, and Saya.

With that finished, let us move on to another response:

"Dear Rachel,

Ok, so you've lived for at least 70, 000 years, right? How does that influence your preferences for things such as food and drink, I mean, you must get sick of the same thing over and over again, unless you take breaks from certain foods and drinks for a century or so. Also, I recently tried Darjeeling tea, it was ok I guess. I don't normally drink tea, but decided to try at least once and you did phrase it as preferable to Earl Gray. Or does that not count since it was from a "Miss Litchi" segment? Anyways, I swear, this is not a plug for my only fanfic "Mad World", and I completely understand the original intention of this blog was not to review, but I really need a more, shall I say erudite opinion on it, and don't know whom to turn to, so could you... maybe look it over, say what you think? And, uh, try not to be too infuriated, maybe? Eheheh... (Tod 1166)"

Really? I've been alive for roughly 70,000 years? It's been so long, I've lost track. How were the fans able to deduce that amount, but not me? Nevermind, we shouldn't be hung up on such details. Throughout time, my tastes do fluctuate. There are certain things I will never touch, but sometimes, I will try different Baroque movements, or different sweets, or even different tea blends. 'Tis only natural that I change my indulgences from time to time.

Regarding your next question, believe it or not, I was actually consulted for how that scene would play out. I told the writers my favorite tea blends, so as to keep my portrayal as close as possible. I admire the writers for that; a shame about the art style of that segment however. Regardless, you are free to prefer whichever tea blends you prefer. So long as the tea does not bring you any harm or discomfort, you should be able to choose whichever flavor you want.

Now then, it would seem that I have garnered the ear of fanfiction authors, yourself included, am I right? You do realize I am only taking up your offer to curb my boredom, correct? Your project is not too long. Let us get started . . . oh dear, I'm afraid you've already infuriated me. In your description, you list, "implied Ragna/Rachel." And that this is your first attempt at a story, and that this is, in your words, "slight crack." This cannot end well, for either of us. . . .

(sigh) Just as I imagined. A "nutty" story that somehow involves Ragna and I . . . I don't want to discuss it. However, I can say that you, as well as that Raim fellow, actually do a surprisingly good job of capturing the way I speak. And you capture the way Ragna speaks very well also. And . . . I suppose you do not dissolve the story into a wankfest for lonely fans, even despite . . . the ending you wrote, so I suppose I cannot fault you there, but don't expect this story to win you any prizes in the near future, either.

And with having that said, this entry will now come to a conclusion. I am already in the process of drafting another entry after this one; it seems I don't have to go on hiatus or end the blog altogether just yet. Whether this is a blessing or a curse is for you to decide.


	20. Chapter 20

I have noted in the past that I am a person of gothic sensibilities. Since I have the time, allow me to describe what I mean.

When I say goth, I do not mean the Germanic tribe that warred with the Ancient Roman Empire, and I most certainly do _not_ refer to the sub-genre of music, and most _certainly_ do not refer to the number of children from your era who find it fashionable to dress entirely in black, wear ridiculous makeup, and write mediocre-at-best poems about how much you _think_ your life is miserable. No. Rather, I refer to gothic literature, the tropes it embodies, and the motifs it displays. In its absolute essence, gothicism is an exploration of the human mind, and as anyone brutally honest enough to tell you would say, the human mind is wonderful, abhorrent, forgiving, cruel, beautiful, and hideous all at once; in short, light and dark. Many people forget the light part; they see only the dark. That is certainly an ever-present element in gothicism; despair, depression, loneliness, but they forget the light as well. Take for example, the vampire. Yes, how trite, but I'm trying to think of a way for you to understand. A vampire may want to love, and be loved in return, The Light, but his nature as a vampire prevents him from doing so, The Dark.

Gothic literature originally got its start by combining elements of romance (both romantic love and romanticism), and elements of horror. Such a combination is bound to showcase both the light and dark aspects of human nature. Atmosphere and imagery are also important. Crumbling gothic (as in medieval) architecture is a common motif, hence how the movement perhaps got its name. No character is perfect, not even the protagonist. The archetype of the Byronic Hero is not unheard of; it is in fact encouraged. Vivid, striking usage of color is common. The endings may or may not be tragic. If you want an idea of true gothicism, then no look farther than "The Mask of the Red Death" by Edgar Allan Poe, who is also one of the few human writers I know to not make me wince with disgust. In fact, that film director Tim Burton, commonly mocked though he may be, has a very good understanding of gothic tropes as well. As some of his films illustrate, it's not unusual for goths to be serious-minded, yet still possess a healthy (yet very macabre) sense of humor.

I say all of this because I tire of, in your generation's words, "Poser" goths. For those individuals, I have this to say; what is the most terrible thing to ever happen to you? Your mother didn't buy you a brand new automobile? You got a C on an exam instead of an A? Your legal guardians won't let you stay out at night, getting drunk and making a fool of yourself? Let me tell you about misery; misery is repeating the same instances thousands of times over, unable to change the outcome, and unable to forget anything. In some of those instances, I have borne witness to the end of the world, and the death of a close friend before my very eyes. The sense of impotency, the sense of ennui that I felt up until just recently, you can't even begin to imagine it. Add the fact that there are very few people that I can relate to, that I can speak to on the same level only adds to my helplessness. You can be a goth if you so desire, but if I find any writing of yours that reads, "My life is pain, for I didn't get to go to the Senior Prom." you will be visited by my good companion George XIII. He can introduce you to true pain.

Having printed that treatise of sorts, let us proceed to the response of the day.

"Greetings Madam Rachel,

I would wish to note that you and one Shinku of Razor Maiden, look similar, act similar, and sound horrifyingly alike!

Do you know any of that?

Also what fighting game interests you besides the obvious ones such as Blazblue (Becaus poor literacy is kewl!) and Guilty Gear, I myself am a fan of Marvel vs Capcom, but that doesn't stop me to say the Blazblue is one of my all time favorites.

Thank you for your time Madam Rachel (PINOY-BLAZEBLUE-FAN)"

Before I discuss Rozen Maiden, I should make note of something I read online. A website discussing Blaz Blue said this about my series, "Basically, it's a bunch of anime stereotypes fighting other anime stereotypes."

Okay, so you caught us. You can find elements of our characterization in older characters. No doubt people have found similarities between me and . . . let's see, who did you say I reminded you all of? Remilia and Flandre Scarlet, Arcueid Brunestud, Rin Tohsaka, Mina Tepes, Fate Testarossa, Evangeline A.K. McDowell, and now Shinku? For those who don't know, Shinku is a character from a graphic novel series turned animated series entitled Rozen Maiden. She is a sentient doll who takes it upon herself to educate a young human man. Her clothes are beautiful, and she even has the same English voice as I do. Unlike with that Tohsaka girl, I can actually picture Shinku speaking as I do: rich, elegant, with an air of intellect. Not to mention that her personality is remarkably similar to my own, more so than any other character I mentioned earlier. Look at this description I found: she embodies the Victorian aristocrat persona, she adores tea, she is not afraid to punish her servant, and prefers not to give in to her emotions. I almost feel she may be a kindred spirit, but unlike her, I don't find puppet dogs from children's television serials to be the slightest bit adorable. I care not for anything "cute." Nonetheless, I almost want to experience this series for myself. Rozen Maiden is not overloaded with sexual fanservice, moe girls, and unfunny popular culture references, is it? If so, I wish to experience this.

As for your second question, I am sorry to say that I know very little about any fighting game franchise not developed by Arc System Works. Of course I've heard of the more popular series, such as Street Fighter, King of Fighters, Mortal Kombat, and so on. I know there are a number of crossover fighters, including the one you named. Is it a coincidence that you cited Marvel Versus Capcom just as the third segment was released in your time? I think not. However, I have noticed a very troubling trend among the crossover fighters. Not the games themselves, but rather, the debates that spring up around them. Many of these debates concern just how canon, so to speak, the fights in the games truly are. Many fighting games attempt to balance the different fighters about, but sometimes, this means that someone who should win a battle in the proper narrative could lose in the fighting game. Some fans forget to actually enjoy the fighting games, and instead indulge in long-winded rants about how The Incredible Hulk could and should utterly eviscerate Viewtiful Joe. See? I know a little bit about this series. I'm not saying you are like this, but you could imagine how an outsider must feel about these people.

Until I finish the next chapter, try to think of some other characters that may've inspired the rest of the Blaz Blue cast. Just know that before I sign off, know that any question that reads, "WHEN's Teh Next blaze Blue cummin outǃ?" will be ignored. Until we meet again.


	21. Chapter 21

If you'll recall, not too long ago, I hinted that this blog will not be updated forever. I am currently in the process of composing a finale, if you will. As of this moment, I have no responses worth responding to. As such, I will work on the finale. If I should finish the finale before I receive another palatable response, I will upload the finale, and never update this blog again. It is safe to say that I am becoming bored of updating this blog, and if I should so bored as to discontinue it, then so be it.

However, I was not bored of writing in response to this lengthy set of questions I have received. These are the questions now.

"Greetings Madam Alucard,

I will start right off the bat by saying that I'm not really your biggest fan (heck, to be truthful, most of the time characters like you annoy the hell out of me), but I still consider you to be a vital character of the story and your antics with the other characters usually instill a laugh with me, so, yeah. -shrugs- In any case, I shall get right to the point - The questions.

Question 1) Not so much of a question, I'll admit. But in one of your earlier posts, you referred to one of my favorite characters - Bang Shishigami (yes, he's my favorite character in the game, but I have good reason that I don't have to tell you as to why) as a cartoon character. I actually believe that he is more based on Kamen Riders, with the scarf, the poses, and even his astral finish remind me of that excellent series. And since I'm willing to be that you're looking up Kamen Riders to make the comparison, I might as well tell you that there's a Kamen Rider based on Vampires - Kamen Rider Kiva, which has a classical music theme to it.

Question 2 (or should it be question 1? Meh) Where did Ragna get his sense of style from? I've seen in the Blazblue fan book that he was holding onto the sword known as Rebellion, which is the main weapon of choice of Dante from the Devil May Cry series (Same hair color and same taste in color for clothing and even more so in bradishing large weapons which seem to overcompensate for something)... Which actually brings up another question if you don't mind. I'm looking at the main cast and I see that there are some more similarities to the DMC franchise with Blazblue - Noel's guns are on comparable with Dante's Ebony and Ivory, Jin's choice in blue clothing and weapon choice with Vergil's (and there's personality wise to a degree, save for the brother complex), and even Nu's sword attacks with Vergil's ability to summon swords and attack opponents. Heck, throw in the fact that Ragna's arm could be even be comparable to Nero's demonic arm (the name escapes me at the moment, but -shrugs-), there's got to be more comparisons, but frankly, I'm willing to bet  
that I'm starting to annoy you now with this question.

Question 3) What languages are actually spoken in the Blazblue world? I'm willing to bet English and Japanese, considering the names that people have, but what languages were 'killed off' during the dark times this world had to face? Just curious.

And finally, Question 4) ... Are you actually certain that the Spectacles of Eros didn't work on you in that Gag Reel? And a side question, where can I get a pair of those?

Sincerely, Lux-Nero

P.S. Have you ever been curious about Taokaka's face? I mean, is that hood overshadowing her face or is that goofy black shadow with the doofus grin really her face?"

In regards to your first comment, perhaps I was erroneous in not mentioning that Bang Shishigami also in based off of protagonists from so-called Sentai programs. I question your statement of Kamen Rider being "excellent", but people question my tastes as well, so nevermind that. Given Bang's behavior, I can now see how he would be influenced by Kamen Rider; his style and presentation is boisterous enough to notice a comparison between the two.

For question number 2, one can certainly find stylistic references to the Devil May Cry series in my own series. I think it's say to say that storywriters like to liberally borrow from earlier works if this is the case. Though it's safe to say that the characters of Blaz Blue don't borrow from Devil May Cry in terms of personality, outside of Jin and Vergil. Could you imagine how intolerable Ragna would be if he kept spouting witless one-liners left and right? I daresay I would lose all respect for him if that really happened.

As for question 3, it's really hard to say. If you listen to the games in either Japanese or English, it's safe to assume the game is translating into either language for your convenience. As for your question? If I were to answer truthfully, I would be giving away important plot details, which goes against my rules.

And for question four, I already told you, the Spectacles of Eros are not canon. I am very close to having an emotional outburst just by having this written up. Oh? Did you ask where to find these non-existent spectacles? Nago, do your sales pitch.

"Hello, (name of reader)! Do you love Blaz Blue as much as you say you do? Then come to the Blaz Blue gift shop site, where you can purchase models, replicas, artwork, and more! Buy highly articulate action figures of every character, even the obscure ones! Purchase replicas of actual Blaz Blue items, such as Ragna and Jin's swords, Noel's guns, even the Spectacles of Eros! (Warning: The Spectacles of Eros will not attract women to you if you wear them.) Buy artwork of the characters that was deemed too hot for the actual games! (Gainax ain't got nuthin' on us!) Act now and we will throw in an authentic Kaka hoodie ABSOLUTELY FREE! No refunds, all we want is your credit information."

There you have it; information on obtaining the Spectacles of Eros of legend itself.

And for your last question, who can say? It is truly one of the greatest mysteries of the universe. I have no clue as to what Taokaka's face truly looks like. Any statement I make would be pure conjecture.

Even despite saying that I was not bored in composing this, I cannot find the zeal for writing this as I once did in the past. Unless if someone were to ask something that would jettison me out of this newfound sense of ennui, then this truly will be the last entry I ever finish, barring the finale. What happens now is up to you.


	22. Chapter 22

No longer will I appear to be ignorant of the subjects of my questions. A long time ago, in entry number seven, an individual using the alias "Discordia" asked me if I knew any witches. I said no. However, she named the following witches as examples: Beatrice, Bernkanstel, Lambdadelta, and Virgilia. My reaction was "Just who on earth are those people you listed?"

No longer will I be made a fool of. I now know that those are all characters from a multimedia franchise entitled When Seagulls Cry, a series featuring a number of witches. The reason I didn't know of them until now was when I first attempted to read up on these characters, I could not find any information on them. The only things that came up on my search engine were a fan-made music video, and a number of fans proclaiming, "DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!" on a messageboard.

Only now have I unraveled the mysteries of the witch women. Oh, and for future reference, do not try to compare me to Beatrice. I am not one to orchestrate deadly games and laugh in a noblewoman's manner, thank you very much. Also, this was my first reaction when I first saw an image of Lambdadelta, "Oh look, another youthful-looking female with yellow hair and red eyes. No one's even trying to be original anymore. How pitiable." Although the red eyes part does not apply to the original iteration of When Seagulls Cry, I still stand by those words.

Not only that, I just pieced together that one of my regular senders has also been referencing the works of 07th Expansion without my knowing until now. Just so you know, these references will not go unnoticed any longer. And speaking of said sender:

"Dear Energizer,

Ohh~. The vampire ran out of gas? Heh, as expected. You only pay attention to things only to dissuade your boredom.

Well, one lives as one wants, doesn't it?

Alright, time for the goddamn questions:

1) Is your personality a mask you use to shield your doubts or is this your true persona? How can we be so sure to believe what we see?

2) *sigh* Okay, just imagine you get to Gensokyo. Which girl will you get along the best? (Also, don't find "me" there. Seriously.)

3) Do you think Ragna is expressing rage because he's actually angry or perhaps, inside, he has too many doubts, but chooses the fastest one to get it over with? Yeah...it's complicated.

4) What exactly IS that place you call home? It isn't located on a map and it isn't registered in any part of Kagutsuchi...It is like a closed space?

5) ...Have you sensed that some people in the Tsukihime universe are tinkering with a possibility machine? If you had the power, what would have you changed in your current timeline? (And yes, it sucks to be you to be an observer) Also, if you meet Zel during his travels...tell him I said hi.

...Damn, I spoke too much. Hope the Meta Plane doesn't break in itself...

And, one more thing...It's too soon just to end this. Trust me on this one.

Well, see ya, Energizer.

Meta-Raim"

And so you strike again. Fortunately for you, I have become revitalized recently, knowing that I am drafting this, as well as another entry in the future that is not the dreaded finale.

For your first question, oh? Is this some sort of clever attempt at trying to get me to openly admit before an audience that I am not who I appear to be? That I have been putting up a front, living a lie? Do you really expect some cliched scene of confession to play out?

"I . . . I'm not really a sex-crazed kitten. I only pretend to enjoy the touch of human hands so that I'll be like the other cats. The truth is, sexual pleasure is icky! So, _so very icky!_"

Do you see how ridiculous Nago sounded just now? Having separate personas is a part of life. There are some situations where acting like a homicidal lunatic would have serious repercussions, not to mention acting like a hedonistic animal during a funeral would reflect poorly on your character, regardless of how good of a person you truly are. And even if I were "masking" myself, it is still very possible to become like the mask you are wearing, and therefore, not be shielding your true self at all. I only say all of this because I want to spare you the half-hearted attempt at the Persona parody Nago is dreaming of.

"I know there's more to life than kinkiness. Maybe, maybe you _are_ me."

(ZAP!) That is enough. For question two . . . I see you still picture yourself in your fanfictions; are you one of those fabled method writers I've heard so much about? Regardless, assuming the setting of the Touhou Project was real, out of all the characters I could research information on, I believe I would get along with Alice Margatroid the most, maybe also Eirin, and if I wasn't limited to girls, also Rinnosuke. These characters sound intelligent and thoughtful, and also least likely to insult me with their behavior.

Your third question is poorly phrased. What are you trying to say? That Ragna has insecurities, but prefers to only express rage and irritation at everyone? Say, when I phrase it like that, it almost sounds like I'm giving away potential future character development, but personally, I don't believe he can express any emotion other than anger. Some humans are like that. Still, he's not quite as bad about emotions as his brother once was.

Your fourth question mentions a closed space . . . let me browse through a web encyclopedia for a moment to see what you are referring to . . . . . . . As a matter of fact, no, my home dimension is nothing like the product of a hyperactive teenage girl with too much free time on her hands, and too great a power for someone like her to wield. That is all I can say on this subject.

And for your last question, I have sensed nothing from the Tsukihime/Kagetsu Tohya/Melty Blood series, seeing as how that is nothing more than a work of fiction. Regardless, if I could alter anything in my timeline, I would change the world so people would not be so stupid. Imagine a world where the pursuit of knowledge was a valued ideal, one that took importance over the pursuit of personal whims; oh, what a dream that would be. Also, I doubt I'll run into "Zel" anytime soon, seeing as how such an event is impossible.

Lastly, Meta Plane breaking in on itself? Oh, true, because having one's consciousness split from your own body into a separate entity was _surely_ a common occurrence in the early 21st century. You couldn't go anywhere without bumping into someone's meta counterpart whilst going for a stroll. If there's one thing I've learned from researching the franchise originally entitled Umineko No Naku Koro Ni, it's that prolonged exposure to that series will cause anyone to lose their sense of reality.

And before I sign off, I should tell you that normally, I would not recommend reading "Help Us, Professor Kokonoe!" However, her most recent entry, part nine, actually dispenses worthwhile advice for once. Read closely; she gives out two pieces of information. You would do well to familiarize yourself with her latest rant.


	23. The Epilogue

I am bored. This does not bode well for me. But before I sign off for good, I will answer one last submission with this infernal contraption.

"Dear Madam Rachel Alucard,

I read through you entire blog and found them entertaining, to say the least. It is a shame that your next update may be your last, but, what can one do? I do pray that my questions will be enough to help you continue.

Now, for my questions:

1) My apologies for this more personal question, but, is there anything you really fear in the world? I ask because everyone has a fear, even if they won't admit it. What is yours? No matter how little it is, a fear's a fear. (If you don't feel answering this for whatever reason, you may completely disregard this question, just thought I'd try asking)

2) What do you do in your free time that you actually enjoy doing?

3) What is your overall opinion on the NOL?

4) What do think about Imperator Librarius? Especially now that she's finally revealed herself and her true intentions.

5) What do you think or/and how do you feel about the fact that that detestable Terumi took away Takamagahara's power. (I have great detest for him as well)

6) Final question, This one's just a question I've had for a bit and would like to see if you know anything about it. Lifelink. What is a lifelink really? Terumi said he had a lifelink with Noel(now turned in Mu-12) and that to kill him would be to kill and that it has to be at the same time. My real confusion, I believe he also said Ragna has a lifelink with Nu-13. So, that means as long as Ragna lives, Nu can't die, right? Same thing the other way around? This is just confusing me to no end. And after Mu's defeat, does Terumi still have a lifelink with Noel?

Sorry for all the questions and the fact that most of them are asking for your opinion. I really do hope this will help you to update." (Haseo8)

You needn't feel sorry for posting these questions for your submission. You have provided me with a brief opportunity to quell my boredom, and as such, let's get started.

Considering your first question, what do I fear? An intriguing proposition, to be sure. I can begin by saying what I don't fear; despite what a large proportion of fanfiction authors claim, I do not, as humans say, fear dying alone. First off, I am immortal, and as such, a phrase like "dying alone" does not even apply to me. Second off, even if I am without love interest, I am not alone, for I have my servants to tend to me.

If I do have something to fear, I suppose it would be that I not find someone whom I can speak with on a sociable level. As of right now, only Valkenhayn is someone I can speak to without feeling as though I'm speaking to an utter moron. The lack of grace in today's world is perhaps something to fear, now that I think about it. Yes, that answer will suffice.

For your second query, I already answered this in an earlier post, and I needn't feel like repeating myself here. Look up part three of my blog to familiarize yourself with how I spend my free time.

As for my thoughts on the Novis Orbis Librarium, I can safely say that I have no respect for the organization. The NOL claims to be serving for the people, but all it is truly concerned with is maintaining a pyramid scheme of control and power, with itself alone at the top. Those who have played the Blaz Blue games have seen how the NOL abuses its authority, even making those with good intentions, Tsubaki Yayoi comes to mind, perform actions of a questionable manner. Is it really any wonder why some people, such as the man with the horrible hair, and the shinobi, are hellbent on destroying the NOL? You can't argue that the attacks directed at it are entirely unwarranted.

Concerning your fourth question, I cannot say much on the Imperator. Saya is supposedly the sole leader of the NOL, but it is too soon to say if that is really true or not, or if someone is using her. Many fans speculate that Terumi and Relius are using her for their own means, which wouldn't surprise me if that indeed was the case. However, by being the leader of the NOL, she is, by association, someone that I cannot respect.

For question five, the news that Terumi has absorbed the power of Takamagahara is distressing, yes. This will give him the knowledge of everything Takamagahara has observed, and make him even more dangerous. I'm certain fans of the series will remind everyone that an action series is only as smart as its lead villain. The fans will no doubt be anxious to see if I or anyone else can strike down Terumi, but I am only more concerned with his threat now than ever before.

And for your last question, concerning the lifelink. I cannot confirm nor deny whether or not the lifelink works as you say. (It's a potential future spoiler.) If it does, then that means that Terumi and Mu are still alive, since Terumi was still very much alive at the end. And if Ragna is alive, then that means Nu's existence has not been eradicated, either. This is, of course, only true if the lifelink theory is true. I hope that this clears up any confusion you may have had.

I believe my responses are to your satisfaction. Unfortunately, I have no desire to continue this web log. I have neither the energy nor the willpower to continue this. If you absolutely have to have a question answered by a Blaz Blue character, go to Kokonoe's web log instead. Please wait, I have a final message to compose before I leave.

* * *

Within the castle, Rachel Alucard was sitting on Nago shaped as a chair. With her cup of tea in one hand, and her cup saucer in the other, she said, "Are you prepared, Valkenhayn?"

The butler, manning an outdated notebook computer, answered, "I am, Madam Rachel."

"Very good." Putting the saucer and cup down, she instructed, "Start with the following, 'It is with heavy heart, dear readers, that I-'"

- Before Valkenhayn had a chance to continue, a man in a black suit teleported in. "Guess who, faggotsǃ?"

Everyone got up, "TERUMI!" The look of the residents' eyes indicated that they were prepared for battle.

Terumi, smiling to himself, reassured, "Relaaaaaaax, kiddies! I didn't come to pick a fight! No need to get all defensive!"

Rachel took a bitter tone, "Terumi, you know you're not welcome here! Leave at once!"

Terumi shook his head, "Sorry, no can do! I've come to do you all a favor!"

Valkenhayn bared his teeth, "We have no need for your 'favors', Terumi! Leave now or I will force you out with my own two hands!"

Terumi threw open his hands, "Oh please, Old Man, you don't wanna push me out this time; what I have to tell you is for the sake of aaaaaall life in the universe!"

Nago, now in his normal cat shape, noted, "Oh my, your mere presence is killing the mood! And your clothes are tackier than ever."

Terumi yelled, "ENOUGH ALREADY! I have come to disassemble the web of lies that have ensnared you all for too long!"

Rachel said, "Hmpf. Knowing you, I'm sure by disassembling, you mean to level this entire dimension."

Terumi laughed, "Ha haaa! Still trying to sound smarter than everyone else, eh, wench? Classy as ever, I see! So here's the news that you need to know; you are all under the control of . . . wait for iiiit . . . wait for iiiiiiiiiit," he spread his arms in a dramatic fashion, "A FANFIC AUTHOR!"

"WHATǃ?"

"What the Deuceǃ?"

"That's preposterous!"

Terumi grinned, "Now I know what you're thinking, 'but Captain Hazama, how can that beǃ? Ragna and Jin haven't even pounded each other in the butt yet!' I know! That was my first reaction, too! But! It would seem that we are under the influence of . . . no ordinary fanfic writer."

Rachel asked, "You mean to tell us that all this time, we have all been manipulated by an unseen author for said author's own amusement?"

Terumi responded, "Ding ding ding ding ding! You just figured it out now, haven't you? Look back on some of the so-called 'responses' you've gotten; some of them write like someone other than you is responsible for your asinine blog. In one instance, you even started talking like you were aware of this; your eyes glowed all yellow and shit, like you were gonna do something crazy on the readers."

Before anyone could say anything else, the laptop emitted a sound, and displayed a message reading, "You have 1 unread comment."

Terumi threw up his arms, "You seeǃ? He can't hide himself anymore, now that I've exposed the truth! Why don't you read the contents, hmm?"

Rachel glanced at the monitor, "Open the letter, Valkenhayn."

The butler opened the letter. The computer displayed the following message:

"So you finally figured it out, huh? How long did it take you, like, sixteen months? Eh, better late than never. I suppose I couldn't have gotten away with it forever; just the very act of Rachel doing such a thing is out of character for her. Luckily for you, I like having Kokonoe writing a blog more than Rachel. Not only is it a lot easier for me to write as Kokonoe, I haven't burned myself out on Koko yet, which is more than what I can say for Fate Testarossa's dead ringer. It's been fun though, writing as though I was an aristocratic vampire fed up with my people (I am human, by the way) making all vampires out to be brooding wrecks desperate for affection, not that there's anything wrong with that. As in nothing wrong pretending to be a person outside of your gender and species, and nothing wrong with brooding bloodsuckers either. (Especially since if Rachel really does love Ragna, then that would make her just like all those romantic nosferatus that she hates so much!)

Regardless, I suppose I should, hmm, how would a vampire noble phrase it? Manipulate fate so that everything goes back to the way it was for Rachel and her friends? Yes, I suppose that would work. Oh, for those of you who 'commented' on Rachel's blog, don't fret; Kokonoe can still answer those, just like in the past. Of course, there is the unintentional hilarity of a morally dubious catwoman answering an email starting with, 'Dear Madam Rachel', but I digress.

Still, it's been real, but I have other things to tend to, not the least of which being pretending to be Kokonoe. Oh, don't try looking through your world setting to find me; I know better than to insert myself into a universe I don't belong to. Best of luck to your future endeavors, Madam Rachel Alucard; I await the next Blaz Blue game with glee. Signed, your pal xm0123.

Post-Script: Remember when you quoted a chap that said 'If Rachel discovered Rule 34, it would be the end of the human race as we know it'? Yeah, that was me you were quoting. But ask yourself this: did you quote me, or did I manipulate you into quoting me? I'll leave you to ponder that for a while. Ja ne!"

Terumi's smirk never faded as Rachel and her servants stared with awe at the monitor. Rachel then regained her composure and faced the snakeman, "That's a very good prank, Terumi, but the way you timed this letter to arrive just makes it look that much more staged."

Terumi gripped his hat, "What's this? You're doubting me? Oh, you're breaking my heart, Miss Alucard!"

Rachel frowned, "I will go into the world and prove to you that we are not being controlled by some obsessive fan writer. I pray that this will satisfy your ego, for if it doesn't, I will make you regret coming here." She opened a portal and exited through it with Nago and Gii.

Terumi faced Valkenhayn, "Well then, Valk, let's catch up on old times, shall we?"

* * *

Rachel was now in Kagutsuchi. She looked around to see if anything peculiar was happening. "Umm, Princess," Gii began, "What's a fanfic author?"

Rachel punched Gii away, "Quiet. I'm concentrating." She was listening in to the crowd, trying to hear anything.

In the distance, she heard a voice she recognized, "Where did all my money go?" The voice said to itself.

Rachel approached the speaker, "There you are, Ragna."

Ragna turned around, "Huh?" He saw who it was. His faced scrunched, "Oh, god damn it, Rachel! If I weren't fighting the law, I'd get a restraining order on you already!"

Rachel countered, "Oh, woe is you. The entire world wants your head on a plate, but you say the worst thing to happen to you is a woman that visits you periodically who _doesn't_ want you dead."

Ragna brandished his sword, "Cut the crap! I'm a little busy right now, so if you don't mind-"

"-Ragna, would you believe me if I told you you were being controlled by a fanfiction author?"

Ragna snickered, "Like Hell I'd believe that! Yeah, some kid with too much free time on his friends is controlling our lives at this very," He stopped. Then he suddenly drew a dramatic pose, "Listen up, shorty!"

"I beg your pardon-"

"Let's say you drink too much strawberry milk, and have to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. But it's cold outside of your bed. You don't want to get up, but the urge to urinate is just too strong!"

"The proof is in the pudding, after all."

"You make up your mind to go! You run to the bathroom, stand in front of the toilet, and let loose! You think that all your life has led to this moment! But then you realize! It isn't the bathroom! You're still in bed! That feeling of lukewarm wetness spreads like wild fire! But you don't stop! You can't stop! That's what I'm talking about! That's the truth of the strawberry milk! DO YOU GET IT NOWǃ?"

Rachel couldn't help but snicker, "Ah yes, this is precisely what I mean. Ragna, you just said something out of character just now."

Ragna looked confused, "Out of character? What's that supposed to mean?"

Rachel answered, "In words you wouldn't understand, the fanfiction author just proved to me that what I saw earlier was no fluke." _Seeing as how you would never be in league with Terumi_, "In words that you _can_ understand, you gave a repulsive speech about strawberry milk just now."

"Huh? Strawberry milk? Why would I be talking about that?"

Rachel replied, "I don't know, that's why I'm asking you."

Ragna threw up his arms in frustration, "God damn it! Enough with the word games already!" He held his sword, "Actions speak louder than words, you know. Maybe I should shut that trap of yours."

"Go ahead."

Ragna charged at Rachel, shouting, "GAUNTLET HADES!" But before he could connect, Rachel teleported away. "ARRRRGH! I HATE VAMPIRES! I HATE 'EM!"

* * *

Back in front of the castle, Terumi stood waiting. "So, what's the verdict, my dear flat-chested bloodsucker?"

Rachel let out a sigh, "It is as you say; someone is controlling us."

Terumi reacted, "Ha! I did it! I finally got you to admit defeat for once!"

Rachel countered, "Of course, you realize that everything we do right now is out-of-character: my speech, your gloating, even Valkenhayn's restraint towards you is uncharacteristic of him."

Valkenhayn noted, "How very perceptive of you, Madam Rachel."

Rachel looked at the laptop, "I believe it all traces back to this contraption. The more I use it, the more we lose ourselves. 'Tis only fitting that I now feel like retiring. Before you came, Terumi, I was composing a conclusion to the blog I had started. I would like to finish that now."

Valkenhayn said, "Certainly, Madam Ra-"

"_Don't_, Valkenhayn. Let me write it."

Valkenhayn was surprised, "Whatever for?"

Rachel responded, "Using an outdated computer is out-of-character for me, but for this once, it would be acceptable, given the present circumstances." She seated herself (with Nago as her chair) where the laptop was. She looked over the keys, "Why are these blasted letters not alphabetized?"

Terumi answered, "Perhaps the inventor of the keyboard knew, hundreds of years into the future, it would piss off a spoiled rich vampire with too much free time on her hands." Rachel glared at him, "Whatǃ? It's the truth and you know it!"

"I need to concentrate if I am to write without a feather pen." Rachel began typing her message. Not knowing where the keys were, she punched each letter slowly, taking several seconds just to print a single letter onscreen.

"My goodness! Your level of incompetence! It makes you look helpless! You're giving off moe vibes!"

Rachel snapped, "My lack of typing efficiency is in no way a connection to my supposed 'helplessness'! I'll have you know that I am still _far_ more capable than any so-called 'moe' girl ever will be!"

Terumi said, "And now she's following up with a stereotypical tsundere response! Your moeness is off the charts!"

Rachel made an Impish Gypsophila appear and slam into Terumi. She continued writing out her message. After a while, she had finished. Her final message was as follows:

It is with heavy heart, dear readers, that I put an end to this web log of mine. As with most things in life, I have become bored with writing entries for these, and as such, I have having this notebook computer returned to where it belongs by the time you read this. I am putting the blog on hiatus until further notice. I say this for if I should ever desire to answer any of your questions again, I will find a way to answer them without resorting to outdated computers for doing so. Unless if that happens, do not expect this to be updated as frequently, if even that. I will send Kokonoe a letter informing her of more unused submissions for her to use. I pray that this is not the end, but now, I must seek other ways to keep myself busy. If I did make one thing clear throughout composing these responses, it's that nothing is ever as it seems at first glance. Even those who are dutiful knowledge seekers learn things they never thought possible every now and then. Keep this in mind as you travel through the journey that is life. Farewell, Rachel Alucard.

She stood up and ordered, "Nago, return this device to where you found it, and then return here as soon as you can."

Nago winked, "Of course, Princess!" He sat the laptop on his back and left for Kagutsuchi.

Rachel locked eyes with Terumi, "The moment Nago comes back, every part of the world that is not Sector Seven will revert back to the way it's supposed to be. If you have something out of character to do, do it now before Valkenhayn and I remember our true purpose in life."

Terumi said, "Oh what's this? Are you hoping to get free entertainment out of me? Isn't the fact that I can portray Terumi better than most of the so-called 'Terumi impersonators' enough for you?"

Rachel raised an eyebrow, "Wait, was that the fanfiction writer just now?"

Terumi grinned, "Maybe it was, or maybe he's speaking through you now, or maybe he's speaking through all of us."

Rachel frowned, "This post-modernism is getting annoying. I wish Nago would hurry it up already."

Terumi said, "Oh that's right. I better split before he returns. I just remembered, I was going to show that ninja man what true injustice is really like. Guess I better hop to it. Toodles, lamers." He disappeared.

Some time later, Nago returned to the castle, reunited with the princess. The princess then ordered a spot of tea. That venture had ended . . . for now.

~One of the many possibilities of the Continuum Shift~


End file.
